Over the years, I’ve heard lots of men make side comments about things women do that make them “hot.” I always roll my eyes, because most of what they say is incredibly random and occasionally outlandish, but I can’t deny the entertainment factor. Guys have such odd preferences.

what

I couldn’t sleep the other night, which usually makes me super paranoid. Whenever I’m restless, all I do is think of ways to escape if a murderer breaks in, check my husband’s heart rate every 5 minutes to make sure he doesn’t die in his sleep (which in turn keeps him awake all night, so that’s fun for him), and come up with things I’d say to people who make me angry if I had enough nerve.

This time, I worked really hard to keep my middle-of-the-night thoughts positive, if only to let my husband get a some sleep. I only checked his pulse twice! The rest of the time, I started compiling a mental list of all the funny things guys claim are “hot.” Here it is:

1. Stick shift

The phallic nature of this one lacks any creativity. It’s so obvious and also kind of gross, but hey– it’s also useful for the girls. Then there’s the aspect of men enjoying the idea of women doing “dangerous” things, and stick shifts seems powerful/dangerous. Power and sex appeal always go hand in hand, so if you pair that with women grasping a round stick, I can see the draw.

Side note: I cannot drive stick shift, which means that if my marriage is ever in trouble, I can quickly become mysterious and hot in my husband’s eyes again just by learning that new skill. I’m keeping it on the back burner for whenever I need a little boost.

stick shift

 

2.  Burgers

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard men say that they love when a woman orders a big, juicy burger. Not sure I understand this one, but maybe they think we’ll look like this…?

burger charlotte

Hate to break it to you, but that’s not at all what I look like when eating a burger. More like this:

burger kate

 

3. Eye glasses

This one is slightly complicated. Every man I’ve ever known says that glasses are sexy, like librarian-style. But then they never point out any of the girls wearing glasses in the bar as “sexy.” What does this mean? It means that not all glasses are created equal. When men say that glasses are sexy, this is what they mean:

  • must have thick, black plastic rims, preferably with a cat eye
  • must be worn with a pencil skirt if worn in public
  • must be worn with an oversized button down and nothing else when worn in private
  • must come off and reveal a hot girl disguised as a nerdy girl underneath, a la She’s All That

shes all that gif

 

4. Whiskey

There must be something irresistible about the contrast in femininity vs. activities that are considered traditionally masculine. Whiskey straight up or on the rocks is something all men force themselves to enjoy, because then they feel like a 1950s, smooth-talking charmer. So when a women drinks whiskey, it challenges the man to up his own masculinity, plus it makes her look even more feminine, because her pretty face is a stark contrast to the whisker-growing drink she’s currently sipping like a boss.

whiskey

 

5. Yoga

Yoga pants. Flexibility. Calm and soothing instead of loud and argumentative. Yoga appeals to men on every level possible. Annoying, but fine, I get it. Doesn’t mean I’ll ever do it, though. (But I’ll definitely wear the pants.)

yoga gif

 

6. Hats

I don’t care how little of the female’s face you can see beneath the brim, hats never fail to up the hotness factor. Men always make comments on trucker hats, baseball caps, sexy beach floppy hats, fedoras, beanies, you name it. Maybe it’s a confidence thing…I don’t know why, but headwear always feels like a confident move. Or maybe it’s that they can’t see the girl’s face, so they just assume she’s hot. I don’t know, but it’s definitely a thing.

hat gif

 

7. Messy buns

Odds are, guys minds go straight to a post-coital place when they see messy hair. I hate to assume they’re so shallow, but there’s no other possible reasoning for why a tangly birds nest atop a female’s head would garner such praise. They can say that they like a girl who’s “casual” and “chill,” but I’m not buying it.

 

messy bun 2

 

8. White jeans

Almost as obvious as yoga. I do want to point out that this look is not for everyone.

white jeans

 

9. Sports talk

If I hear one more guy say how hot it is when a girl can talk football, I’m going to throw a football at his head. Why isn’t it hot that I like musicals? Why isn’t it hot that I like The Bachelor? Why isn’t it hot that I sit quietly on the couch and let you watch your football game uninterrupted while I play on my phone?

erin andrews gif

 

I only partake in numbers 2, 3, & 7, so either guys don’t mean anything they say, or my husband settled.