I actually thought my husband had DVR’d the wrong channel last night, because the opening sequence looked like a low budget Animal Planet show, featuring the oh-so-rare white tail deer, standing whistfully in the snow. Isn’t that JoJo’s job?

deer

Anyway, looks like we’re jumping straight into the first Hometown with Chase in Highlands Ranch, CO!

Chase was born and raised here, and as you can see by his house (yes, it seems Chase owns his own gigantic mansion at age 27), his life is basically perfect. The only way to keep him interesting was to play up his parents’ divorce, asking that tired question, “Can kids with divorced parents ever be fully committed to a relationship?”

As they sit on a faux-fur blanket on a small mountain boulder, overlooking a beautiful expanse of trees and snow, Chase tells JoJo that she’ll be meeting his dad separately from his mom. She thinks this is a sign that he’s opening up, when in reality he was just giving her the itinerary for the day.

DIRECT QUOTE from JoJo to the camera: “I hope more than anything Chase continues to drop those balls, so he can ultimately give me his heart.”

Yep, I’d say it’s usually good for a guy to drop his balls before he drops his heart. Especially if JoJo wants to stay out of jail.

Do you think she meant “drop those bombs”? I mean, explaining the dynamics of a divorced family isn’t really a big bomb to drop, though. So who knows. She probably meant exactly what she said.

high five

Wait, back to Chase’s giant house…not his parents’. How does he own that, again? Do I know the wrong 27-year-olds? Because I don’t know anyone that age who can afford his (or her) own mansion.

I will say I found it odd that his staircase didn’t have any railings, despite the 3-4 foot drop on the side with no wall. Either this is a rent-a-home, or Chase never drinks alcohol before going upstairs to bed– in which case, he and JoJo are definitely not compatible.

Chase’s dad shows up to meet JoJo, and Chase dives in with this awkward question: “So, dad, uh, you seem so happy in your second marriage. I’ve never asked you this before, but uh, why didn’t it work out with my mom?”

I felt like I was watching a scene from UnReal, right after producers successfully convinced a contestant to say something crazy. Chase obviously did not want to ask his father that question, but his producer must be really, really good at manipulation. [If you don’t watch UnReal, you should start. It’s a critically acclaimed, scripted drama (i.e. not a reality show) about what happens behind-the-scenes on The Bachelor. You can watch it for free on mylifetime.com. Do it.]

change your life

Chase’s dad handled the whole thing remarkably well, and explained that he worked too much away from home, blah blah blah, and he never wants Chase to make the same mistakes in life.

JoJo tells Chase’s dad that “you have a really great son.” I’m going to need a little bit more romance and excitement, even when you’re faking it, JoJo.

Dad leaves, and Chase then takes JoJo to meet his mom, stepdad, sister, etc. They seem like a normal family, which is unfortunate from an entertainment perspective.

You can visibly see Chase’s feelings for JoJo grow throughout the night as he sees her interact with everybody. It’s actually quite sweet. I think JoJo’s feelings grow, too. Could Chase take Luke’s spot as her #2?

Chase’s mom ticks off a list of reasons she approves of JoJo when talking to Chase at the end of the night. In exact order, this is what she said:

  • She’s darling
  • Loves dogs
  • Eats fish
  • Is fond of you (Chase)
  • Smart

Note: You can win mothers over if you dress cute, play with their dog, and compliment their dinner. How smart you are and how much you like their son will take a backseat to those three things.

Chase and JoJo say goodbye in the driveway, and I feel an affinity for Chase for the first time this season. I never disliked him, but he’s always seemed so blasé to me. It’s sweet to see him genuinely freak out a little bit in his head as he watches her SUV drive away. He actually likes her, but he knows she’s probably going to choose Jordan Rodgers. Ruh roh.

Speaking of Jordan, his Hometown is next! In Chico, California.

We quickly learn that JoJo has never seen a deer. In fact, she thinks all deer are reindeer, hence why she exclaimed, “They’re flying!!” as a herd ran behind her while she was giving her opening spiel to the camera, in what appears to be the Serengeti.

jordan field

Also, kudos to the producer who found the herd of deer and scared them in the exact direction of the camera. That was very brave. I hope you get some bonus cash for that move.

JoJo looks adorbs in white jeans and a flimsy jacket that matches Jordan’s flimsy jacket. Twinsies!

Jordan is even more effeminate than usual as he shows her around his old high school, “where it all peaked started for me.” I thought his wrists would literally break at one point with the amount he was throwing his hands around. I think he might’ve even done a little excited prance when the high school billboard lit up with his and JoJo’s names on it. Reel it in, Jordan.

JoJo straddles Jordan when they get to the library, trying to give him the typical hook-up-in-the-stacks fantasy moment, but he gets too embarrassed. It’s like he reverted to a 17-year-old boy when he was in his school, just giggling when she tried to touch him in any capacity. JoJo doesn’t care, because she already knows she’s going to choose him.

After seeing pictures of the Rodgers brothers all over the gym teacher’s office, they head to the bleachers, where JoJo asks Jordan about his estrangement from his famous brother, Aaron, once again. He responds with, “He won’t be [at the house tonight], but it doesn’t need to be a topic when you meet my family.”

As if that’ll stop JoJo from asking the eldest brother, Luke, about Aaron the second she gets him alone.

THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1208" - JoJo's emotionally charged, whirlwind world tour to find love comes back to the U.S. as she travels across country to visit Chase, Jordan, Luke and Robby. Her spirit and resilience is about to be tested by the men and their loved ones, as she tries to figure out if she can love more than one man at a time. Are all these bachelors ready to be married? JoJo will try and find out from the people who know them best, as she moves closer to making her fairytale come true, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JULY 18 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Carl Costas) JORDAN, JOJO FLETCHER

Jordan and JoJo arrive at his parents’ house, and I notice two things right away: 1) The most colorful flower arrangement I’ve ever seen on the kitchen counter, 2) His brother Luke’s girlfriend’s hair. She parts it right above her ear on one side, and swoops it all over to the other side. Interesting choice. I’d also bet a fair amount of money that she did/does pageants.

Jordan’s mom is a hippy MILF who says to her son, “this could be your destiny!” She sounds like radio personality Delilah and leans on Jordan’s chest like she’s his girlfriend, but somehow it’s sweet, not weird. Her nickname for Jordan is “spicey and nicey” because he can have a ‘tude, but he’s also a sweet cuddle bug. I think my husband might start calling me that now.

No matter how much JoJo tries, the family won’t be dramatic about their famous missing family member. They’re classy folks. But it also makes for a pretty boring Hometown.

I spot a fountain in their backyard and literally bet my husband money that they’ll make out next to it. I still can’t believe it didn’t happen. Good thing betting your husband money doesn’t have any real consequences. What’s mine is yours, right sweetie?

At the end of the night, JoJo tells Jordan she’s still worried that he isn’t ready to commit to someone forever. He tells the camera that he just needs to the chance to prove it. Based on how things are going, I’m pretty sure he’ll get that chance.

Next up, my favorite Hometown: Robby, in Jacksonville, Florida!

The reason this date is my favorite is because JoJo is absolutely hammered in the first five minutes of meeting his family.

But let me back up. First, Robby takes JoJo on a horse drawn carriage ride through some old town near his house. Have we ever seen this many horses in a single season of The Bachelor(ette)? I feel like we get 1-2 of them per episode.

carriage

They pull up at a cute little bar overlooking a river, and we see shots of fins swimming in the water. We all know how I feel about sharks. You may claim these fins were dolphins, but that’s not what I’m choosing to believe.

JoJo asks Robby if he’s ready to commit his life to her, even though he just ended a 4 year relationship yesterday. Didn’t we already watch this episode??

He keeps saying “it’s in the past,” and she keeps saying, “not that far in the past…”

I’m bored with this subject already. Like, obviously he broke up with his girlfriend to go on the show. That’s a no brainer. But I think there’s a good chance that they would’ve broken up whether or not he was cast on reality T.V., so does it really matter all that much? Every breakup needs a final push to instigate the ending, and this push just happened to be The Bachelorette.

Robby also mentions that his ex slapped him across the face when he broke up with her, and they haven’t spoken since. Sounds to me like there were more than a few problems in their relationship. Plus, photos surfaced a few weeks ago of said ex making out with Chad the Villain (yes, The Chad from this season) on Instagram, so me thinks the ex isn’t above whoring herself out for fame, either. She and Robby may not have been right for each other, but they certainly have that in common.

chad and hope

The man in these pictures is Chad. The woman in these pictures is Hope, Robby’s ex. CLASSY CLASSY CLASSY.

I stop being annoyed with Robby’s Hometown the second he and JoJo arrive at his house, because it’s very clear that his mom is already drunk. Finally. Solid entertainment.

Apparently wearing a button down shirt totally open except for the one button at the bottom is a trend in Florida..? I was distracted by that look on Robby all day (at least he had on an undershirt), but all 80 of Robby’s male siblings were wearing the same thing at the house. Why? Why the one button on the bottom? WHY?

Robby excitedly tells his inebriated mother that he and JoJo had their own fireworks show on one of the dates. “There were ashes falling in our eyes and everything!” That sounds horrible, honestly.

JoJo follows Mom’s cue and gets drunk, too. The two of them then sit down together, and JoJo asks about Robby’s ex-girlfriend (again). Mom said it’s fine because Robby won’t look back if he decides to marry JoJo. This pleases drunk JoJo, so she tells Mom that she’s falling in love with her son, even though she hasn’t even told Robby that. She hasn’t told Robby that because she doesn’t mean it. It’s 1000% just the wine talking, as seen by her half-closed eyes and every-so-slightly slurred words.

Mom then sits down with Robby to tell him that his ex-girlfriend’s roommate leaked to the press that he broke up with Hope to go on the show. It’s her right to warn her son that these things are being said about him in the tabloids.

Robby immediately runs to JoJo to brag to her that his face is in magazines, but the public accusations by his ex gf’s roommate now makes JoJo nervous about his intentions all over again. They have the same conversation that they had earlier in the day and also last episode regarding his questionable ability to move on, so I blatantly stop listening.

robby talking

JoJo keeps asking Robby why Hope’s roommate would say that, which is a dumb question. A) Girls stand up for their best friends, even if it’s not entirely warranted. Does it matter that he didn’t cheat, or that they broke up before he was technically cast? No! Her BFF was sad and hurt, so this girl was going to run to her side. B) She wanted to feel important by giving some dirt on a pseudo-famous person.

JoJo is tired and drunk, so she face plants into Robby’s face because she wants to stop talking. He walks her to her car in the driveway, sharing a tiny clear umbrella in the rain, and she does exactly what I do when I’ve had too much to drink: Bury my head in my husband’s chest and say things I don’t mean. She puts her forehead in his armpit, and starts saying things about how much she likes him. Realistically, she’s just putting off the moment she has to heave herself into the SUV, because that sounds like a lot of work when you’re drunk and tired.

Final Hometown: Luke in Burnet, Texas.

JoJo goes full-on cowgirl with her outfit of choice for this date. White jean shorts that barely cover her perfect butt, a sleeveless jean button up, and cowboy boots. Luke wears a picnic table shirt. It’s all so very country!

THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1208" - JoJo's emotionally charged, whirlwind world tour to find love comes back to the U.S. as she travels across country to visit Chase, Jordan, Luke and Robby. Her spirit and resilience is about to be tested by the men and their loved ones, as she tries to figure out if she can love more than one man at a time. Are all these bachelors ready to be married? JoJo will try and find out from the people who know them best, as she moves closer to making her fairytale come true, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, JULY 18 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Felicia Graham) LUKE, JOJO FLETCHER

He rents a huge pickup truck (not fooling anyone, Luke) and drives JoJo to a family picnic, where 50 people are waiting to meet her. Luke gives a speech to everyone, saying that they’re all family because they’ve been such good friends to him, then he and JoJo make out while everyone claps. It was pretty much a baby gender reveal party, except JoJo was the baby gender.

Things to know:

  • Luke’s dad wears a white cowboy hat
  • His parents have been married for 38 years
  • Grandpa called Luke out for his inability to cook
  • There are no concerns from JoJo, Luke, or Luke’s family, so it’s the least eventful Hometown in all of Hometowns.

Luke was smart to do the family introductions during the daytime, and take JoJo on their one-on-one time at night. He takes her horseback riding (SHOCKER) to a stack of hay bales covered with blankets and pillows, where JoJo surprisingly looks uncomfortable when he shares his feelings for her. I thought he was the hands down #2 guy, but it almost looks as if a switch went off for JoJo.

Might as well stop watching this season, because now Jordan has absolutely no competition.

Luke leads her to a low budget candlelit path that “leads” about 15 feet to a heart made from rose petals. I think they were supposed to stand in the heart to make out, but instead they stood right outside of the heart. That was frustrating. STEP IN IT, you guys!!

heart luke

 

The Rose Ceremony takes place in an airport, supposedly because the top 3 guys and JoJo will immediately head to their next location. I highly doubt that. Nonetheless, it’s a pretty cool setup, with a red carpet in the hangar, set next to a very pretty, strategically angled airplane.

airport

All the guys greet each other warmly as they walk in one by one, except Jordan, who comes in last and doesn’t make eye contact with anyone. I’m pretty skeptical at this point in my Bachelor-watching, so I wonder if that’s just because his producer said “Don’t say hi. This is supposed to be serious,” while the other guys were told to shake hands and hug. You never know…

JoJo loves her royal blue. This time, she chooses to saran wrap herself in blue matte sequins for a mermaid effect. She looks perfect, per usual. I barely even notice her boobs anymore because I’m just as familiar with them as I am with her nose. They’re still impressive, but have definitely lost the novelty.

Right as she begins the Rose Ceremony, Luke pulls her aside to talk. He wants to tell her he’s in love with her because he regrets not saying it in his Hometown.

The only person JoJo has had a positive reaction to when he says the word “love” is Jordan. She smiled and got giddy when he said it. Quite a stark difference from her reaction to Luke, which is to send him back inside, then start bawling her eyes out on the tarmac, screaming that she doesn’t know what to do.

airport crying

Does this mean she was planning on sending Luke home? And now she’s not sure she should? I don’t think so. I think Robby was pretty dunzo after his Hometown Date, no matter what Luke did. But who knows? Perhaps my Bachelor spidey senses have been off this whole time.

[Update 7/19, 1:09 p.m.: Apparently JoJo actually told the camera she was definitely planning on sending Luke home, and now she’s confused. I must’ve missed that little confession.]

…TO BE CONTINUED.

That is the absolute WORST!! This was a boring episode, anyway! At least end it with some sort of closure, and allow us to look forward to a much better episode next week! Don’t drag it on! Ugh. Whatever. Robby’s probably going home.

Next week, we get TWO episodes! Normally, I’d complain because 4 hours of this show in one week is just too much, but next Tuesday is Men Tell All! I can handle that. Will Chad bring Evan a maroon v-neck tee as a peace offering? Will Robby confront Chad about making out with his ex-girlfriend on Instagram? Will the Bachelor Superfan come out of the closet? Will Chris Harrison give Alex a glass of milk??

Can’t wait to find out. See you next Monday for Fantasy Suite Dates, then Tuesday for the good stuff!