I almost couldn’t remember what season we were watching by the time this episode rolled around. There have been so many week-long breaks that, for a split second, I thought Andi was still The Bachelorette. Yes, that’s even before Kaitlyn. Or Ben. Or Farmer Chris. Remember when Chad ripped Evan’s shirt? Doesn’t that feel like at least 6 months ago?
Once she graces the screen, I realize how much I’ve truly missed JoJo’s perfect style and face. The episode opens with her packing one (1) Louis Vuitton duffle bag halfway full to take on her travels from Buenos Aires to somewhere else in Argentina. The bag was clearly a fashion accessory, not a practical way to carry her clothes from one location to another. Me thinks there was a struggling intern a few strides behind her, hauling 6 suitcases full of poncho sweaters, teeny tiny jean shorts, over-the-knee boots, shirts with no fronts, glitter happy evening gowns, and a few extra large barrel curling irons in case JoJo’s should ever break.
The remaining 6 guys are upstairs, fresh out of the shower, with Alex saying the words “shell shocked” repeatedly as he describes his thoughts on the previous night’s rose ceremony. Remember, that was the one where JoJo almost sent Alex and James Taylor home, then didn’t send either of them home because producers realized there wouldn’t be enough material to fill up 4 more episodes if she cut everyone so soon.
Let’s be honest, JoJo would’ve sent everyone but Jordan and Luke home weeks ago if there was no need to give ABC something to air on Monday nights before BIP 3 begins. (Airs on August 2nd– announced last night!)
As the guys are waiting for the first date card, it doesn’t take me long to get reacquainted with Luke’s biceps. I was so distracted that I almost didn’t catch Alex complaining to Chris Harrison, himself, who arrived to deliver the date card in person. Alex, CH doesn’t care about you. He only offers his therapy services to the star and the front runners, i.e. JoJo and Luke + Jordan. You heard me, Robby, you’re not a front runner, no matter how many times you say the words “front runner.” FRONT RUNNER FRONT RUNNER FRONT RUNNER. Nope, still not you.
Alex gets the first One-on-One Date, which is a pity one-on-one, because JoJo knows she can’t keep a guy around for 2 months and not at least pretend like she gave him a chance. For a guy who hates pity, Alex is sure getting a lot of it.
To set the scene for the day, editors choose to show a shot of 20+ puppies tied to a single pole. Someone get Animal Control down to Argentina, stat.
Alex and JoJo get to drive in a black SUV to the countryside estate where they’ll all be living for the next week. The rest of the guys have to ride there in an Argentinian school bus that honestly looks WAY cooler than an SUV. While JoJo and Alex awkwardly talk about wheat fields and make duck beaks with Pringles, the guys come up with an impressive group rap about Alex. Chase beat boxes while the rest of the guys absolutely nail their lines in perfect timing. I briefly wonder why rap groups aren’t a thing. Did I just witness The Bachelor‘s version of Hamilton?
You should know that Non-Front Runner Robby wears his white hotel slippers the entire bus ride, including when they stop to eat cow intestines on the side of the road. So many things just don’t add up about this guy.
After hours of awkward silence in the SUV and America unanimously voting the school bus the much more exciting car ride, Alex and JoJo arrive at their date. JoJo makes Alex change into an “authentic” gaucho outfit, and I have two thoughts: 1) I thought gauchos were an unflattering version of capri pants, not a sect of people, 2) If the producers’ goal was to make Alex look like Lord Farquaad was captured by pirates in Paris, they were incredibly successful.
JoJo just wore trendy suede bell bottoms, of course. Too bad they were so tight that she couldn’t get on the horse. This was an unwelcome reminder that some women wear real pants that aren’t laced with 99% spandex, which is an uncomfortable thought. I honestly don’t know how people survived before jeans were just blue versions of traditional leggings.
Once the guides, named Carlos and Oscar, successfully remained professional as they heaved JoJo up onto her horse without touching her butt and subsequently losing their jobs, Alex and JoJo ride from one field to another field, where they get off and proceed to watch a man get way too comfortable with a horse. All I can say is that I grew up riding, and never once did I make my horse lay down on its back, straddle its belly, and wrap its two front legs around me while I kissed its face. I have, on the other hand, done that with my husband. Come to think of it, JoJo did that exact move with Chase. It’s called Yib Yab, remember?
This “horse whisperer” (is that what they’re calling it these days…) then invites Alex and JoJo to “spoon” the horse, and I immediately lose my appetite. I only feel slightly better when he specifies they should spoon its neck, not its no-no regions.
Alex and JoJo wisely choose to simply use the horse’s neck as their pillow, but all I can think is how this poor horse better have some juicy apples waiting for him as a reward for being sexually harassed on national television.
Alex attempts to make the moment romantic by huskily whispering “I’ll be your gaucho…” to JoJo as they breathe in hair and dirt from this Argentine horse’s neck, but instead, his whisper sounds like a serial killer, and he says “I’ll be your goo-cho…”
JoJo corrects his pronunciation. The horse flinches. I swig some wine and briefly check former Bachelor Sean Lowe’s Twitter account for whatever snarky/hilarious thing he had to say about everything we’re witnessing. I was pleased with this reply to Bachelor Creator/Executive Producer, Mike Fleiss:
During the night portion of the date, JoJo treats Alex like all the guys she’s about to send home, which is to give them pats on the back for improvement. Remember when Wells kissed JoJo and she enthusiastically exclaimed “good job!!”? She basically did that with Alex, telling him how thrilled she was with how much more he relaxed on today’s questionably legal horse date.
She leans in for the kiss, because the sooner she kisses him, the sooner they can wrap taping and she can get away. When she pulls away, Alex almost face plants into her lap. Maybe its because his big lips are so heavy.
Because men on this show are trained to ignore signs of rejection, Alex then tells JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. JoJo looks a little grossed out, a little guilty, but mostly super pissed at the producers for letting Alex think he has a chance. She chooses to send him home right then and there, because it’s simply unfair to make a U.S. Marine wait around to be dumped 3 days later at the rose ceremony after she made him dress like a Parisian pirate and cuddle with another man’s horse for the world to see. She’d done enough damage, and refused to do more.
Alex doesn’t see being sent home as a sign of respect, which makes sense, but also isn’t cute because he handles it like a baby child getting his candy taken away. Not surprised. It’s exactly how Lord Farquaad or maybe Napoleon would’ve reacted.
The second One-on-One Date Card:
“Jordan, Let’s toast to love. Love, JoJo”
The guys aren’t happy Jordan got another one-on-one date, because he already has the good looks and the famous brother and the first impression rose. Jordan leaves, and their man claws come out as they discuss how JoJo should be with someone “with a real family and a real life who lives in a real city.” In other words, Jordan was raised by robots and lives in space…?
Jordan and JoJo fly in a private plane to a vineyard, where they crush grapes with their feet as sexually as they can. Somehow, they pull it off. Once they’re done making out and playing a productive game of footsie in the barrel, they each scoop out a glass of the crushed juice with a wine glass. I don’t think for a moment that they’re actually going to drink it.
OH MY GOD THEY DRANK IT. Sick.
Clearly, neither one of them has lived in New York City and been scarred by the possibilities of all the things that could end up on the bottom of your feet.
Next, they find the nearest hot tub in which they can make out, drink wine, and talk about Hometowns, which Jordan is obviously going on. He tells JoJo he wants her to meet “Mama,” and she melts.
They fly back to the estate where everyone’s staying, and JoJo puts on a super tight black, leather pencil skirt with a slit up to her armpit. Jordan exclaims that he’s so excited to eat, which is stupid because obviously he already ate, since they never actually eat the food in front of them on dates. Ew, don’t be fake, Jordan.
Over “dinner,” Jordan opens up to JoJo about his family dynamics, confessing that he and his famous brother, Aaron Rodgers, are estranged. He doesn’t even call Aaron by name, and instead refers to him as “my middle brother.” JoJo goes, “You mean…Aaron..?” It’s a pretty juicy conversation, with Jordan explaining that Aaron doesn’t talk to the family because he’s too caught up in his football life. Jordan tries to save a little face by saying he doesn’t hold hard feelings towards Aaron because he can’t imagine the pressures that come with that sort of career, but it’s safe to say that JoJo won’t be getting any free tickets to the Superbowl.
I have mixed thoughts: At first, I’m turned off that Jordan would throw his brother under the bus, but at the same time, I feel bad for his family if it’s true.
Jordan also tells JoJo that he hates that James Taylor described him as “entitled” last week, because he is anything but entitled. Rather, he was always disappointed because he was never good enough to coaches and teammates since he was constantly compared to his brother, who was irrefutably the best.
They should’ve started playing “Shadow” by Ashlee Simpson.
Jordan finishes things up with telling JoJo he’s totally in love with her. She reacts like a girl who wants to say “I love you, too” except she’s not allowed to pull the same move Ben did last season.
He pushes her up against a stone wall on a dimly lit staircase and she uses her tongue to tell him how much she loves him back.
The Group Date:
“Let our love soar. Love, JoJo”
Their date card means nothing since there’s a huge thunderstorm, so they can’t go anywhere. Instead, JoJo sets up a daytime slumber party. The guys eat room service, play truth or dare, and watch The Brazilian Bachelorette on T.V. We find out a few things: 1) James Taylor’s desperation turns him into a catty little girl, 2) Robby likes Brazilian women, 3) Chase has the emotional capacity of a mosquito.
Robby uses his one-on-one time to answer JoJo’s questions about his recent 3.5 year relationship, explaining that they broke up only 4 1/2 months ago, “over Christmas break.” HOW OLD ARE YOU?? Unless he’s in grad school or a teacher (which he could be, since his occupation is “Former Competitive Swimmer” i.e. high school history teacher/swim coach), there’s no excuse for a 27-year-old to still refer to any sort of seasonal “break.”
JoJo seems skeptical that he’ll be ready to be engaged to her in a few weeks after just ending a 3.5 year relationship, but anyone who knows my marriage story knows that that’s not an impossible feat.
JoJo must read my blog as inspiration, because she sits the guys down and gives Robby the Group Date Rose. He’s heading to Hometowns!
The final One-on-One Date goes to Luke. Luke and Jordan are neck-in-neck, so Luke better have something good up his tight sleeves to combat Jordan’s juicy story about his famous brother.
JoJo takes Luke horseback riding…or the other way around. Remember, Luke is the Skinny Jean Cowboy, so he knows his way around a ranch. They don’t even make him and JoJo take a guide with them, since Luke is probably a more skilled rider than some rando Argentinian guy. Luke doesn’t inappropriately mount the horse, which is also an improvement from previous guides.
Luke makes some analogy about breaking in horses being equivalent to love while he’s saddling up their rides, which makes JoJo swoon and her eyes glaze over. I’m still trying to figure out what he was talking about, but like JoJo, I hardly care. He’s dreamy.
They ride to a field where they shoot skeet, and it’s legitimately cute to watch Luke teach JoJo how to shoot. He’s super manly. To quote JoJo, “Luke is definitely a man. I have no doubts about that.” In the current social climate, that’s actually big news!
I can’t stop smiling when they’re together.
Luke doesn’t tell JoJo he’s in love with her, but that doesn’t matter, because she’s smitten. They talk about what their future would look like off the show, and Luke assures her that he’d want to make a plan with her, not expect her to live or do whatever fits his life. PICK HIM JOJO PICK HIM PLEASE!!
There’s no night portion of the date with Luke because that night is the Rose Ceremony. Robby wears his favorite Gryffindor tie, because the rose he already has on his lapel makes him confident like a Gryffindor.
Along with Robby‘s, the other roses go to:
Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy (DUH)
Aaron Jordan Rodgers (DUH)
We say goodbye to James Taylor. He may have ruined any shot at becoming the next Bachelor with his insecure antics the last few episodes, but I think he’s still in the running. They won’t give it to Chase or Robby, so if the runner up doesn’t accept it (either Luke or Jordan, but I’m thinking Jordan), it could very well fall back to James T. If Jordan is the runner up, he’ll take it. If Luke is the runner up, I am not convinced he’ll do it.
Either way, I’m pleased with this Rose Ceremony because I predicted the Top 4! Based on pre-show bio pictures alone, I had Chase, Jordan, and Luke in there. Originally, I had Robby in the Top 6-10, but I’ve claimed otherwise as things have unfolded.
Teasers for next week show more Rodgers family drama revolving around one famous quarterback, Robby babbling about the rumors he broke up with his ex just to get famous on The Bachelorette, and JoJo running around a tarmac in an evening gown, sobbing and crouching as she cries “I just don’t knowww!!”
Should be good. See you then!