Guys, I just need to vent today.

I like to think I’m pretty easy to get along with– especially for strangers. I’m not one to judge quickly, spout controversial opinions, or be disengaged. If you’re a normal human who doesn’t partake in serial killing or drowning puppies, then I approach our friendship very open to liking you. And even if you do end up rubbing me the wrong way, I give a multitude of chances. I couldn’t hold a grudge even if I wanted to. Nope, I always feel the need to solve animosity and generate good vibes in the world.

Now, I’m not saying that everyone likes me or that I like everyone no matter what, but all I’m saying is that if you can’t get along with me, you probably have a tough time getting along with just about anyone.

There are, however, a few things that bother me to no end, as the people close to me are very aware (and sometimes use against me for entertainment *coughMyBrothercough*). If you want to avoid making me want to strangle you, I advise not saying any of the following things.

1. Point out that I’m sunburnt

I’m starting with the least offensive thing on the list. If you point out that I’m sunburnt, I will probably not write you off completely, but I’ll need at least a five minute break from your presence. PEOPLE. HEAR ME: When someone is sunburnt, they know. Not only can they see it as clearly as you do, but they can feel it. Hearing, “Whoa! You got some sun this weekend!” is the most maddening thing in the world when you’re on the receiving end. A) It hurts, so shut up, B) I know you probably think I’m stupid for not applying more sunscreen, but it was my choice, so shut up, and C) Have you literally never seen someone with a sunburn before?? Shut. Up.

spoiler alert

 

2. Ask who I’m voting for

I was shocked when a judge asked Miss Hawaii USA who she would vote for during this year’s Miss USA Pageant. Social media has put everyone in this mindset that you should tell the world everything, including who you’re voting to become the next POTUS or Senator or whomever. But it’s a fundamental right and distinction in the United States that you are not obligated to share your political preferences.

I’m cool if you want to fight for things you believe in, but don’t assume that I’m as open about those sorts of things as you are, and definitely don’t think you’re more informed or passionate just for being an oversharer in that realm. I’m just as much a citizen as you are, even if you don’t know who I’m voting for. Nunya beezwax. Also, if you’re constantly posting political stuff on Facebook, there’s a 99% chance I’ve unfollowed you by now. Sorry not sorry!

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3. Assume I’m high maintenance

My family knows that nothing gets my blood boiling quite like when someone comments that I’m taking “too long” to get ready. The first reason it bothers me is because I take like, 10 minutes tops to get ready with no shower, and about 30-40 mins to get ready with a shower (if I choose to blow dry my hair), so comments like that have absolutely no basis. I’m quite clearly a low-maintenance person, but people assume that my history in pageants must mean that I’m one of those people who takes two hours to get ready. I take pride in the fact that I don’t contour or wear lots of makeup or use an ounce of product in my hair, so when anyone tries to paint me out to be someone who spends a lot of time on her appearance, I get super defensive.

OHHH, and if you assume that I don’t like to camp or go on long bike rides or participate in anything that might turn off girls who are afraid of chipping a nail, then you will feel my wrath. I get angry just thinking about hearing the phrase, “Oh, you don’t strike me as an outdoorsy girl.” I want to respond, “Well you don’t strike me as someone I want to be friends with.”

Perhaps my anger on this subject comes from some undiscovered insecurity or something, but mannnnn it gets me going.

testing me

 

4. Act like you know my best friend, siblings, parents, or husband better than I do

I went to my husband’s friend’s birthday party last year, and one of his friends (who is a female) used every other sentence as an opportunity to try and prove why she knew him better than me. First of all, back off, chica. Secondly, who are you again?

The same thing happens when my brother’s college [girl] friends or my best friend’s new brunch companion present themselves to know everything about my loved ones. First of all, the only person who knows my brother better than I do is his wife. Maybe a few people know him or my best friend in a different capacity than I do, but still, if someone is related to me or has been my friend since I was 8 (and we’ve never stopped being close), you can go ahead and surrender this fight. Odds are, I want to be friends with you since you’re close to someone I love, so stop making my job hard. And stop embarrassing yourself by trying to be a “one-upper” with stories or inside jokes or “did you know…??” YES I DID KNOW.

excuse me?

 

5. Comment on what I’m eating

Don’t tell me I’m being healthy. Don’t tell me I’m being unhealthy. Don’t say I’m eating too much, and don’t say I’m not eating enough. Don’t go on a rant about why meat is bad for you while I’m devouring a delicious steak, and don’t explain the benefits of spaghetti squash when I’m enjoying a giant bowl of wheat-filled pasta. If you’re a cashier, don’t you dare make any inquiries about my purchases. “Oh, having a girl’s night?” you ask, as you ring up my cheese and wine. NO, jerk, actually, all this cheese and wine is for me and only me. What of it?

The only time it’s appropriate to comment on my food intake is A) If I’ve asked you to (like when I’ve told my husband to force me to stop eating such huge portions), or B) If I ever say I “can’t” do something because of my weight. If I can’t go on a bike ride with you, or fit on a roller coaster, or tie my shoes without losing my breath, then by all means– have an intervention. Until then, just trust that I’m well aware if I’ve gained a few lbs, or that red meat is not as healthy as lean fish. I know these things, but I just want to live my life.

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6. Question my punctuality

This is another blood-boiler. I am obsessed with the clock. If I have to catch a plane at 5:30 a.m., you better believe I’ll have my bags packed the night before, and set two alarms for 3:45 and 3:55 a.m., being sure to order my Uber by as soon as I wake up to ensure that it arrives by 4:20 to get me to the airport by 4:35 a.m. If the Uber doesn’t arrive until 4:22, I’ll be freaking out for those two minutes, thinking of at least six different backup plans.

I am not always on time for everything, but when I’m not, I’ve made the conscious decision that being late is worth doing whatever I needed to do that made me late. Nonnegotiable stuff like travel, work, and deadlines, though? I’m on it.

Since I’m such a time nazi, I take deep offense when people act untrusting of my ability to be on time. Unfortunately, I have to deal with this a lot more often these days since my husband is kind of known for his lateness, so people start projecting the same thing onto me. I promise you, though, if you tell me a time, I’ll be there– even with my husband in tow. Trust me, I’ve found my ways of getting him where we need to be. Let me do my thing.

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7. Say I look tired

Might as well say I look ugly today. Come on, everybody. You know better than to say this. If you’re actually concerned about someone’s well being, then genuinely pose the question, “How are you doing?” and if they don’t open up immediately, follow up with “I can tell something is up.” Don’t blame the bags under their eyes or their frizzy hair for giving them away. That’s just mean, and they’re clearly already having a rough day, so lay off.

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Happy weekend! Thanks for letting me get some of these things off my chest.