*IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! YAY!*
Now, onto the post…
I have a friend who makes me laugh harder than basically anyone else on the planet, and this friend has a podcast. While I was trying to get my personal podcast life together (I’m 2 episodes in– listen HERE!), I began listening to this friend of mine’s SoundCloud channel religiously. It’s called the “How to Adult Podcast,” and is hosted by two hilarious New Yorkers (my friend being one of them, duh) who have basically no filters and lots of fun stories about dating, brunching, and using t-shirts as pillow cases. Because adulting is hard.
If you aren’t easily offended, and especially if you aren’t my dad, go listen. Probably best if you’re between 18-35 and have had too much to drink at least 10 times in your life.
Anyhoo, in an effort to soak up some vitamin D, as well as to avoid being approached by casting directors from The Biggest Loser, I’ve started riding my bike to the office Starbucks every morning. I decided that I really wanted to listen to How to Adult as I was riding, but I don’t own an athletic armband that can hold my phone while I anxiously clench the handlebars.
I actually hate athletic armbands, for the record, because I’m a very manic music/podcast listener. I constantly have to adjust the volume or fast-forward or switch Pandora stations. (I have exactly 2 albums downloaded to my phone: Taylor Swift’s 1989, and my brother’s a cappella group from college.) Trying to change a song on your phone attached to your upper arm isn’t easy. I’ve literally almost fallen over when attempting to run and push “next” at the same time.
But last week, I refused to be defeated by impractical tech accessories and the lack of a backpack. Not anymore, my friends. I would listen to my favorite podcast while riding my bike, no matter what it took. How, you ask?
All thanks to my trusty fanny pack.
I bought a fanny pack a few months back with the intentions of attending an 80’s party that I never went to. I don’t remember why I didn’t go…but probably because my couch felt too comfortable. Anyway, so now I wear my pink D.A.R.E. to Keep Kids Off Drugs tank top to the gym like I’m cool and ironic, and have this awesome Urban Outfitters fanny pack sitting around.
You’d think I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn or something.
Finally, it was time for the fanny pack came out of hiding. I realized it was the perfect solution for having my phone easily accessible for volume adjustments while listening to How to Adult, allowing my earbuds to easily poke out of the zipper and provide many a laugh as I pedaled down Great Neck Road. I’m sure drivers thought it was weird that I was giggling alone on my bike as they drove past me, but life’s too short not to laugh like a maniac in public while wearing a fanny pack.
All of this taught me one very important lesson in life: Fanny packs are way better than purses.
Here are 9 reasons why:
Like I mentioned, everything is so easy to get to! No need to twist to your right or left to dig through a purse. No more awkward, contorted arms. None of this looking down to your side and losing your balance. Simply zip open your fanny pack at the most convenient area of your body and have at it.
2. Body tension
My right shoulder is always killing me because my purse puts so much strain on my tendon. Even if I carry a cross-shoulder purse, I still have to constantly adjust it so that the strap doesn’t create a permanent indentation in my skin. Fanny packs are just plain healthy. They’re where your body wants to carry extra weight! I mean, they sit exactly where your food goes, except fanny packs don’t make your skin stretch out, so it doesn’t hurt as bad as a burrito baby.
3. Making friends
People will think you’re funny and carefree, so they’ll respect your goofy confidence. I mean, you’ll know that the real reason you wear a fanny pack is because it’s the most practical invention ever, but they’ll think it has something to do with your excellent personality. Nobody needs to know the truth, it’s fine. (Some people even claim that they’re trendy…)
4. Hands free
Your purse flops around on your side, causing you to need 3 hands to comfortably run across the street with your takeout food, hoping to beat the crosswalk signal. Fanny pack? Hah! I can run, I can ride a bike, or even do a somersault, and that baby’s not moving an inch.
5. Serves as a phone clip
This piggy backs off #4. You know how some dads clip their phones to their pants? Yeah, it looks ridiculous when they do that, but it’s also brilliant. They can plug in their earbuds and still man the grill as they talk. You can get the same results with a fanny pack, like I mentioned in my opening paragraph. Just plug in your earbuds, throw your phone in the fanny pack, and zip that sucker up so that the head phones sneak out at the end of the zipper. Voila!
Unless you buy some Louis Vuitton “bum bag” (not fooling anyone by renaming it, LV), you’re looking at no more than $30. Urban Outfitters sells “bum bags” or “waist packs” for $29.99, so you know it only gets cheaper from there.
Listen, even if you want to get a sleek fanny pack to wear out to da club, you can find one for the occasion. Sure, it’ll be under the name “belt bag” and it’ll cost you $150, but that’s still cheaper than a fancy purse, plus it’s totally worth the money (see #1-5). There’s no safer way to carry all of your stuff around with you during a night out. You can dance in it. You can keep it on when you go pee. I mean, I wouldn’t doubt if the bartender would give you free drinks just for sporting it! The point is, a fanny pack can only make your night better, and you’re way less likely to accidentally leave your phone somewhere.
You know that little pooch that happens in your lower belly after you’ve housed a bucket of loaded cheese fries? Yeah, the fanny pack serves as the perfect coverup. It high lights that nice swoop of your lower back, and sticks out in the front so that the rest of you looks relatively flat in comparison. It’s brilliant.
9. Parents will love you
Roll up to your new boyfriend’s house wearing a fanny pack, and his mother will think you’re kindred spirits and full-on marriage material. Trust me.
Suit up, grannies!