I was in no way mentally prepared to watch four hours of The Bachelorette this week, and am even less prepared to recap such an extreme amount of visual information. This is why, instead of blogging from my usual chair in Starbucks, I’m laying in bed with my SUIB (Sit Up In Bed pillow, pronounced swib…my husband and I came up with that. Brilliant, no?) and procrastinating by watching Broadway Carpool Karaoke.

It’s almost time for the Tonys, and a childhood friend of mine was nominated for Best Supporting Actress in a Musical! I haven’t talked to her since we ran into each other on the streets of NYC a few years back while she was starring in Bring it On: The Musical, but still– I’m very proud to know such a talented beauty, and am honored that I was her understudy in Annie 19 years ago. 😉 Congrats, Adrienne!

Wow, see, I’m already distracted from The Bachelorette. Not. Mentally. Prepared.

The show picks up where it left off on Monday night, with Chad ominously approaching the guys in the living room after his little chat with Chris Harrison.

Wells is wearing a tank top that says “East Side Til I Die,” just FYI. I also notice that most of the shirtless men are wearing puka shell necklaces, which I assume is the equivalent to a friendship bracelet until I realize that Chad is wearing one, too. I don’t know what to make of it all. It’s too much. It’s just too much!

puka shells

Instead of crushing their skulls one by one, Chad tells the guys that Dad Chris Harrison “wants me to explain to you some of the things going on in the house. I’m not here to cause issues. I won’t come at you unless you come at me. I hope the rest of the time can be generally cool.”

Evan pipes in, “No! You owe me a new shirt and an apology.”

Evan. I think you’ve really lost sight of the bigger picture, here.

Chad offers him a $20 for his ripped burgundy v-neck, but no apology. Take what you can get, Evan.

James Taylor is the resident peacekeeper (not like the kind in Hunger Games), and spells things out like a good counselor would. “So, Chad, what you’re saying is if none of us talk to you, you won’t talk to us either, and we can all go about our business without fearing for our lives?” Chad says, “Yes.” James Taylor smiles because that means it’s time for the pool party!

JoJo shows up in a crocheted crop top she stole from Lauren B last season, and white jorts that are probably the same ones she wore on her Fantasy Suite Date with Ben. Let’s not focus on how disturbing it is that I actually remember the shorts she wore last season, and instead focus on all of the dirty things those shorts have seen.

Most of the guys are already shirtless, which makes the act of JoJo peeling off her crocheted top to reveal her itsy bitsy bikini even more awkward. Taking off your shirt at the pool or beach is infinitely easier when everyone’s doing it at the same time. Not so comfortable when you have 40 eyeballs fixated on you, but nothing a few shots can’t fix! Time to get this party started!

James F (it’s fine, you don’t need to remember which one he is) randomly emerges from the house and jumps in the pool in a full suit and tie. JoJo exclaims, “Oh! I was wondering where you were this whole time!” No you weren’t, JoJo. You forget about him as easily as we do.

Everyone is drinking neon liquid, and I’m intrigued.

Taylor Swift apparently started something called “Swan Game,” which translates to, “Making your pool look cool and trendy by buying big swan floats.” Bachelor interns only half-succeeded, because they bought one swan and one flamingo. Chad casually walks by the flamingo and kicks it in the head. RED FLAG.

swan floaty

RIP Talvin, or Caylor, or whatever. You guys were really cute together.

At one point, the guys do a synchronized diving move, and Evan emerges from the water with a bloody nose. Everyone immediately looks at Chad, who is on the other side of the pool, innocent for the first time in his life. Evan’s random bloody noses become a theme throughout this episode, which makes me wonder if he’s into the nose candy. It’d make sense for an Erectile Dysfunction Expert slash Former Pastor. Right?? It alllllllll makes sense now.

JoJo’s one-on-one time with the guys at the pool party consists of her telling Jordan that he’s a mystery to her (classic “ohhh I can’t read you at all” while giving shy eyes, which is code for “I like you the best”) right after straddling him in a run-and-jump hug, as well as rubbing cold water onto Daniel the Lambo’s nipple, which makes him literally fall off the floaty (I can’t make this stuff up, you guys), and practicing Yib Yab with Chase.

Chad tells JoJo that everything is cool in the house, meanwhile Derek has moved bedrooms because he’s afraid Chad will attack him in his sleep. Derek shares this information with JoJo, and she still has the audacity to claim that she’s “confused about Chad,” instead of recognizing that he’s obviously a serial killer.

Chad overhears Derek telling JoJo about moving rooms, and confronts him in the foyer. Derek handles him like a champ, refuting everything that Chad says with simple responses. “ME CHAD. ME DON’T WATCH REALITY TV BECAUSE ME WORK.” “I have a job, too, Chad.”

Chad gets bored with Derek’s rational responses and heads out to the pool to take out his aggression on the poor flamingo.

chad flamingo

Later that night, JoJo re-arrives for the Rose Ceremony, wearing so much glitter eyeshadow that, if she wasn’t wearing stilettos and a disco ball two piece dress, I would’ve thought she just got back from a gay pride parade. Actually, scratch that, the stilettos and disco ball two piece dress would’ve worked at a gay pride parade, too. Either way, the glitter has fallen all over her face and it’s very distracting.

Of course Alex the Marine (and #1 Chad hater) is positioned next to Chad in the front row, with Derek standing directly behind them on the second riser, so that he has to squeeze past Chad to get to JoJo. I see you, producers. I see you.

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!), James Taylor, and Yib Yab Chase already have roses. The rest go to:

Grant with The Chin

Derek 

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy

Robby

Skinny Wells

James F

Vinny

Daniel the Lambo (WHYYYY)

Alex the Marine

Chad the Top Villain

Going home are: 

Christian the Hot Nerd
Prince Ali with The Eyebrows
Saint Nick

JoJo’s going straight on the naughty list this year.

She tells the remaining guys to pack their bags, because they’re leaving L.A. for good! She doesn’t tell them where they’re going, though, because it would’ve been really hard for them to get excited about “Bumf***, Pennsylvania.”

Once they arrive in Bumf***, though, the guys are super stoked because they get to drive off-roading jeeps to the mountain resort. JoJo flies there in an open top snoopy plane, but forgot her hair tie. I sure hope she didn’t have to ride in that thing all the way from California.

As soon as the guys arrive in their giant penthouse, they jump on the furniture in their shoes and slide down the banisters. They’re definitely ready for marriage.

One-on-One Date Card:

Luke

I like you very mush. Love, JoJo

Dogsledding!

Luke and JoJo bundle up beneath a blanket on a sled with wheels, while a dogsledder stands right behind them to drive the dogs. It’s not my definition of romantic, but hey. It’s not my date.

They pull up to a wood-fire hot tub, which I had no idea is a thing that exists, and JoJo makes Luke chop wood to feed the fire. He’s very good at it, so JoJo is pleased. Especially when he takes off his shirt to get in.

Luke was so good at chopping would, in fact, that he made the tub too hot for fragile JoJo. She puts one foot in and falls backwards while jerking it out and screaming profanities. Too hot! Too hot!

Luke gets in like a man, unfazed by the skin melting off his body. He holds JoJo like she weighs exactly four pounds, because she does, and slowly lowers her into the water, one toe at a time. Reason #599 I need to lose weight. In no universe could any man hold me way up at his chest level. My butt would’ve been dropped in that water faster than you can say thermal shock.

hot tub

JoJo feeds Luke a strawberry in the hot tub, and he’s not into it.

Back at the cabin or penthouse or wherever the guys are staying, everyone but Chad sits around discussing what might happen throughout the week. A dreaded Two-on-One, maybe? Outside, Chad sits by himself with his feet in the *electric* hot tub, supposedly gazing at an angry black bear pacing and growling on a hill in front of him. I don’t think that’s actually what was going on, but hey, I’m all in. To quote Derek when he was standing up to Chad earlier, “Perception is reality.”

During the night portion of Luke and JoJo’s date, Luke tells JoJo that he was recruited to play football at West Point, then served in Afghanistan when he graduated. One of his best friends was killed in action, which has helped him become confident about the important things in life, and weigh all of his decisions carefully. I like this guy, and so does JoJo.

He continues by saying, “I love the things and moments in life that make your hair stand up on the back of your neck. It’s the best part of life.”

JoJo licks her lips, leans in, and says, “What does that for you?”

He huskily replies, “Moments like this, looking at you and knowing your eyes could be the ones I look into for the rest of my life.”

And that, folks, is the closest I’ll ever get to writing an adult novel.

pregnant gif

They kiss, obviously, and he gets the rose. Then they go to a music venue where up and coming country stars Dan + Shay are singing my favorite song on the radio right now, “From the Ground Up.” The whole thing is beautiful, including the smoke machines and 500 screaming fans.

JoJo and Luke’s chemistry is palpable. I named him as one of five guys with potential to be in the Top 4 based on their pictures, and he has firmly secured his spot. I’m calling him, Jordan, and Chase as shoo-ins for Top 4, with Derek, James Taylor, and Robby on the bubble. If I had to choose one for the fourth spot right now, though, I’d say Derek.

Group Date Card:

Derek

James Taylor

Daniel the Lambo

Yib Yab Chase

Skinny Wells

Vinny

James F

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!)

Grant with The Chin

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

Robby 

We could go all the way. Love, JoJo

Well that was a mighty sexual little note, Miss Jo.

The Group Date guys arrive at Heinz Field in Pittsburgh and are greeted by none other than Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback of the Pittsburgh Steelers. If you remember from my Meet the Contestants Recap Pre-cap, Ben is one of the four other quarterbacks in the NFL that I can name aside from Jordan’s brother, Aaron Rodgers. Sure, I spelled it Rothersburger in that recap, but it still counts.

And in another fun twist, once the guys have a moment to fangirl over Ben Burger (my new name for him), out comes Hines Ward to join the party! I know him, too, because remember– I only know the names of like, five quarterbacks, and then anyone who was on Dancing with the Stars. Hines Ward is Season 12 mirror ball champion! I barely recognize him without a purple sequined mesh blazer and jazz shoes, but yes, it’s definitely him.

hines ward

Another presumably extremely famous football player joins, as well, but hell if I have any idea who he is. His name is Brett Keisel and he looks like a friendly mountain giant. I actually really like him.

Brett and Hines start putting the guys through training drills while Ben Burger watches from the stands with his feet kicked up, chowing down on some Cheetos and laughing whenever someone looks stupid. I’m quickly becoming a Steelers fan.

ben burger

One injury (poor James Taylor’s eye!) and one cocaine induced bloody nose later (looking at you, Evan), the guys are split into two teams. Winning team gets to go on the night portion of the date with JoJo.

Aaron Jordan Rodgers plays quarterback for both teams, which means he automatically gets to go on the night date. The fact that not a single peep of “unfair!!” escapes any of the guys’ mouths is absolutely mind-blowing. I guess they all realize that they’d look like an idiot trying to play quarterback on their team against a former Vanderbilt starting QB. Way to stay humble, guys.

The Blue Team is at a severe disadvantage, given that they have Evan the teeny tiny Coke Head (and EDE, and pastor), James Taylor with an eye in need of stitches (but he refuses to go to the hospital when love is on the line!), and Derek, who apparently has some sort of calf injury. Probably got a little too excited in the gym after finding out he was selected to go on the show. That leaves them with two healthy players: Robby and Vinny.

The White Team is pretty stacked: Chase (Yib Yab), Grant (firefighter), James F (boxer), Daniel (Lambo), and Skinny Wells (who has lots of heart).

Go figure, the Blue Team wins.

group date football

The losing team goes back to the pimped out cabin, where Luke is serving as a human shield between Chad and Alex. Luke tries to comfort the losers by saying that missing out on the night portion won’t affect JoJo’s decision at the rose ceremony. All the guys look at him like he just said that the sky is red.

The guys who are still on the Group Date all scramble to impress JoJo with their one-on-one time. Robby props her up on the side of a pool table, silently encouraging her to let him stand between her dangling legs as they makeout. She probably would’ve been open to it (literally) if it weren’t for the tightness of her dress making it impossible. Nothing about their makeout sesh looked natural, but Robby was still shocked when she gave Jordan the Group Date rose.

Two-on-One Date Card(s):

Chad and Alex

Let’s get lost. Love, JoJo

Into the woods your path goes, only one returns with a rose. —Chris Harrison

Thanks for that, as always, Chris.

Per usual, Chad gets in a fight with the rest of the guys before leaving on the Group Date. This time, he tells Jordan that he’ll go out of his way to come find him at his house after the show and beat his a**.

Alex the Marine is dubbed a true American Hero by his fellow castmates for serving his country by ridding them of Chad. Is that a P.C. thing to say? Should our war heroes be offended?

Alex decides to wear cargo pants tucked into boots on his date, which makes his legs look about 3 inches long. Note to short people: Your pant line of choice is important. Second note: Throw away all cargo pants, no matter your height or military involvement.

Chad and Alex have to share a romantic helicopter ride without JoJo, which has disaster written all over it. Luckily, they land safely, and greet JoJo unscathed. She takes them on a hike, at one point handing Chad a machete and Alex an axe so that they can randomly hack away at a fallen tree in the middle of the “path.”

Chad, back awayyyy from the machete.

Once they set up a blanket on a rock by a stream, JoJo immediately pulls Alex aside. Alex tells her about all of the threats Chad made to Jordan that morning. JoJo loves Jordan, so she’s super upset to hear that her baby is being attacked.

She then takes Chad aside and confronts him about his violent threats. He tells her that he had no choice, because they kept pushing his buttons. She gets angry and tells him there’s no excuse. He smiles sinisterly, and she asks him why he’s smiling. He shrugs and keeps smiling. She loses it, and tromps off to “think.”

I swear, if this girl needs more time to “think” about Chad, she’s way less sane than I thought.

Chad rejoins Alex on the blanket. Alex stays quiet for as long as he can, but as soon as Chad says, “I’m not very happy with you” in a voice that will give me nightmares for weeks to come, Alex lets loose all of his hate for Chad with choice words and vicious rhetoric. Chad tells him to calm down and drink a glass of milk. Alex says he doesn’t like milk. Chad said he should, because milk is delicious.

Excuse me while I go die of laughter.

Finally JoJo comes back to the blanket and sits between Chad and Alex. They’re all sitting so close that she can barely turn her head to talk to either of them.

two on one

After some tense explanation, she tells Chad that she doesn’t think he’s the person he says he is, and gives Alex the rose.

USA! USA! USA!

The episode concludes by paying homage to The Blair Witch Project, with cameras following Chad through the now-nighttime woods as he whistles and seems to be walking towards unidentified victims.

By this point, JoJo and Alex are cuddled up by the fire in a random cabin, commenting on how glad they are to no longer have to deal with Chad.

The other guys are celebrating with confetti rockets (?) and Fireball on the rocks, because the production guy took Chad’s suitcase, meaning he went home!

Little do they know, Chad is tracking through the woods on his way to murder them. Or will he murder JoJo and Alex in the other cabin???

Looks like he chose the remaining guys as his prey. The episode cuts out with Chad running his hands down their window, creating a squeaky noise that can only be associated with death.

Teasers: We see Vinny crying, and JoJo telling the guys that they need to know the truth. They have a reason to be worried.

I’ve never been more scared for a group of men in my life. This better not be another empty promise from producers.

We don’t get to find out what happens for TWO weeks. And to add insult to injury, I won’t be able to recap that episode, because I’ll be in Alaska.

wah gif

I’ve heard that I might be able to watch basic cable on the cruise ship, but there’s only one rule on our family vacations: You must meet in my parents’ room for cocktails at 5, and eat dinner together at 6. I will literally be kicked out of my family if I miss any part of dinner, so things really depend on how many rounds of scotch my dad orders after dessert. Plus, the next morning I’m supposed to be canoeing next to a glacier, which– hate to say it– trumps writing a recap.

If I don’t write the recap, I promise to have some sort of replacement, be it a guest blogger or some other form of Bachelorette candy. See ya on the flip side, Bachelor Nation!