I am going to be recapped out by tomorrow afternoon. I had the brilliant idea to recap Miss USA yesterday, before realizing I’d have to double up on The Bachelorette this week. These recaps take brain power, you guys. They really do. As if paying attention to an entire show without simultaneously checking my phone or having side conversations with my husband/friends isn’t hard enough, I then have to condense 8-12 pages of notes into something that makes sense.

[The fact that I’m pseudo-complaining that this is my job is perhaps the biggest #firstworldproblem I’ve ever experienced.]

Side note: People who watch me take notes for recaps say it’s nothing short of entertaining to watch, because my eyes are glued to the screen, but my fingers are moving a mile a minute on the keyboard. Shout out to that typing game that required me to type words faster and faster to avoid being eaten by a T. rex when I was 10.

typing 2

In case you are unaware, this season is not about JoJo finding love. It’s about Chad and his ‘roid rage. I just want to make sure you guys have accepted what you’re watching.

This episode begins with all the boys taking their after-breakfast naps (my favorite kind of nap) in various positions throughout the house. My favorite was obviously the guy who fell asleep sitting up on the patio furniture with a pillow balanced on his nose to block the sun. Been there.

sea lion

Chad is casually sucking on lemon rinds early in the morning, because somehow that makes him all the more evil. He also apparently spends the majority of his days counting calories, and I realize that Chad and I have more in common than I initially thought.

The boys gather in the living room in their post-nap, post-shower uniforms, mostly consisting of zip up hoodies with no shirt underneath. Didn’t hate it. Chris Harrison arrives in dad jeans and a robin-egg blue sweater, appearing every bit as paternal as his role on this show has become.

The first One-on-One this week goes to…

Chase!

Let’s get physical. Love, JoJo

Chase immediately leans up against the back of the couch to hide his quickly-shrinking pants.

Before we get to JoJo and Chase’s sexy time, we have the distinct privilege of watching Chris Harrison clean up all the toilet paper that JoJo and someone threw all over the front yard of the Bachelor Mansion last night during the cocktail party. I forget which suitor had this magnificent idea for his one-on-one time with JoJo, but Dad wasn’t happy about it. Doesn’t ABC have an intern for this kind of thing?

get off my lawn

Chase wears a short sleeve baseball tee on his date. Naturally. JoJo wears another button up because she still has no clue how to successfully purchase any other type of shirt that has a front. She tells the camera that she’s “always really wanted to get in to yoga, but never actually done it.” Every single woman watching this show in yoga pants nods her head. Celebrities! They’re just like us!

Chase and JoJo walk into a yoga studio to find an instructor doing a very suggestive headstand, and I know we’re in for some cringeworthy television. The first question out of the yoga instructor’s mouth is, “How long have you two been intimate?” Lady, I know you watch The Bachelorette. You clearly know they’re still filming in LA, so this must be the beginning of the season, and JoJo hasn’t had the chance to do the dirty with anyone yet. Don’t play dumb.

The word “intimate” is thrown around so much during this date that I begin wondering if anyone is talking about the same thing. Want to know what’s intimate? Watching a close up of the instructor’s lady parts from the angle between her bent knees as she is lying on her back doing pelvic thrusts. And here I thought I was so sufficiently scarred by Pure Barre that witnessing this sort of thing would no longer make me uncomfortable. How very wrong I was.

JoJo and Chase lay (lie?) on their backs, thrusting their hips into the air and using their eyes to plead with producers to make it stop. Instead, producers tell the instructor to turn up the awkward, so the lady instructs JoJo and Chase to participate in an “angergasm,” which is a glorified version of throwing a temper tantrum. JoJo looks like she’s about to quit the show. I’m sitting back and wondering if an angergasm could be the answer to my hanger problems. A…hangergasm, perhaps? Just something to consider.

At some point, Chase and JoJo accept their fate to live in a ball of embarrassment for the afternoon, so they peel off their workout clothes and do the rest of the sex yoga class in nothing but spandex booty shorts. Yes, both of them.

The final move of class is called “Yib Yab,” or as I like to say, “girl on top, indian style.” From this point forth, my husband and I will refer to our…uh, reproduction activity (sorry, Dad)… as Yib Yab. While JoJo and Chase are Yib Yabbing, the rest of us are chugging wine and watching with only one eye open and our faces pulled so far into our necks that we’ll all be walking around with extra-pronounced double chins today.

awkward gif

Even though they’re just supposed to be touching noses, JoJo and Chase obviously start making out because you simply can’t skip to dry humping without kissing first. We need some natural progression here!

The word “progression” reminds me of the word “compression” which reminds me that I really hope that’s the kind of booty shorts Chase was wearing.

Back at the house, Chad the Top Villain and Daniel the Lambo are cooking up some Yib Yab of their own, checking out the other’s squat form and admiring each other’s bodies. Based on Daniel the Lambo’s bent-over tricep move, I am betting all of my money that he’s been naked with a lot of people, but none of them were women.

During the night portion of the date, JoJo and Chase eat dinner sit in front of plates of food in a candlelit wine cellar that reminds me of where Aaron and I got engaged. Way better than sitting at a folding table by the pool like most of the night dates. They talk about the day portion of their date and thoughts on marriage, as is tradition.

as is tradition

JoJo tells the camera that the fact that Chase is so determined to only get married once in his life is a very attractive quality to her. I’m extremely concerned as to why she views this as such an impressive and unique sentiment.

Once they’re done talking about divorce, Yib Yab, and how weird it is to fall in love on a T.V. show, JoJo gives Chase the rose, then leads him outside for a private concert from 1/3 of the country group Lady Antebellum. They dance and make out…as is tradition.

The Group Date card arrives at the house, and Ali puts on his favorite Christmas pajamas for the occasion.

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

Grant with The Chin

Skinny Wells

James F

Christain the Hot Nerd

Prince Ali with The Eyebrows

Daniel the Lambo

Vinny

Saint Nick

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!)

Alex the Marine

Chad the Top Villain

Love has no secrets. Love, JoJo

Chad tells the guys he doesn’t even want to go, and would rather wait for JoJo to give him the One-on-One Date. This does not go over well. The guys ask him why he would DARE say that, and he says “I don’t want to go on a date with 12 other guys.” Jordan pipes in and says, “Dude, you do realize what this is, right?”

THANK YOU JORDAN.

Even James Taylor gets heated and tells Chad to “be careful.” Just so you know, James Taylor is hands down my favorite contestant, and I want him to be next Bachelor so bad. (Sorry, Derek.) All the guys agree that in order for Chad’s wishes to be legit, they need to cross his name off the date card with a Sharpie. Evan requests one from producers, which is the moment when Chad panics and goes, “Stop talking, Evan!”

be quiet tiffany

Chad wouldn’t dare to actually miss camera time a Group Date. At this point, his ‘roid rage is kicking in, and he starts telling everyone why he hates them. To Jordan: “You’re a 27-year-old failed football player!” He’s using “27” like it’s old or something. Rude. To Alex: “You’re a 25-year-old p*ssy!” First of all, why have you memorized all of their ages? Secondly, you can’t call a marine a p*ssy, dude. Save that insult for Wells or someone else tiny and sweet.

Alex the Marine pulls out this little zinger to the camera right before they embark on the Group Date:

“Today’s date is with 10 guys, 1 douchebag, a beautiful girl, and myself.” Sounds like a good time!

The Group Date guys pull up to a theatre, and I immediately have flashbacks to Olivia and her stripper cake last season.

olivia cake

They guys sit in the audience with a bunch of other people who are in for the best night of their lives, and look downright terrified as a woman approaches the microphone and begins making orgasm sounds right there in the middle of the stage. Vinny says he’s never heard noises like that before. Poor Vinny.

Let me also say that I hate the fact that I’ve had to type the words “angergasm” and “orgasm” today.

JoJo is sitting next to Jordan and they keep leaning on each other’s shoulders. I’ve been around the block, kids, and nothing screams chemistry like those shoulder brushes when you first like someone. He’s still the front runner.

Today, JoJo is wearing a shirt with no front, so I’m not at all surprised that this date revolves around sex. Time to let her little light shine! She and the theatre host reveal to the boys that they have 45 minutes to put together a story about a sexual encounter in their lives, then share it with the audience! Daniel the Lambo looks stunned, because he’s never had sex with a woman before. Even JoJo calls him out once they’re backstage, saying, “Daniel! Remember, the story has to be true.” He’s in way over his head.

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert chirps, “Just another day in the office!” Classic.

Chad tells the camera that “JoJo hasn’t earned the right to learn about my past.” DIE CHAD WE ALL HATE YOU.

JoJo tells the camera she “thinks sex is really important in a relationship, and the way someone communicates about sex says a lot about them.” Okay, Kaitlyn.

Grant tells a great little story about getting arrested while losing his v-card, Saint Nick explains learning how to use the alphabet in a sexual manner, Prince Ali says something about kissing a girl with a mustache (a fair trade for her dealing with your eyebrows, bro), and Vinny acts out the time his mother walked in on him. Daniel the Lambo takes things from light and uncomfortable to dark and disturbing by sharing a story about tying up a girl and cutting off a lock of her hair without her permission. I’m praying this story is, indeed, made up. Also, someone please explain to me how he passed the pre-show psych evaluation.

Evan uses his knowledge of erectile dysfunction to call Chad out on his steroid use, naming steroids as a leading cause of flaccid Ds.

You guys, I can’t even begin to express how much I truly hate having to type the words I’m typing today.

Wells, who is extremely self-aware, tells the camera that he’s shocked Evan of all guys had the nerve to poke the bear, “because we’re the smallest guys in the house.” Aw, Wells, you should hang this above your bed:

fierce

As Evan makes his way back to his seat, Chad yanks him by the back of his shirt, and in that moment, I’m convinced we’re about to witness The Bachelor Franchise’s first onscreen murder.

Instead, Chad lets go of Evan and slowly walks down to take the mic. JoJo is clearly shaken by his minor display of violence, but he gives her no recovery time before asking her to come join him on stage. He then tells her that he doesn’t want to tell her about his past, because “this is about our future,” then leans in to kiss her. She gives him the cheek, and all the guys react like they just witnessed the greatest defeat of all time.

Chad is angry. As the men file out of the theatre, he punches a door so hard that his knuckles start to bleed, then walks up to Evan and says, “You’re going to f***ing die!!” I believe him. Oh, I believe him so much.

Evan believes him, too, which is why from this point forth, security guards are specifically assigned to Chad, even while he’s sleeping. This makes Chad laugh. Self-evaluation is not a thing in his life.

During the night portion of the date, we find out that JoJo flirtatiously calls Nick “Santa,” which feels a bit kinky, but good for him. In his one-on-one time, Jordan vaguely refers to mistakes he made in his last relationship, which makes sense since his ex-girlfriend called him out for being a cheater last week on Instagram.

Throughout the night, it becomes clear that JoJo is pretty annoyed with Chad’s “bad boy” behavior, and at one point she even tells him to go away when he tries to interrupt her one-on-one time with Santa. She hasn’t even had time to ask him for one little thing– a ring!

The guys try to have an intervention with Chad for the fifth time, which leads to him pacing angrily around the random country western cabin they’re in, spewing out things like, “Evan f***ed up already. He has 3 kids. He’s had his chance at love.” Only slightly worse than Olivia’s Teen Mom comment last season.

Evan tells JoJo it’s either him or Chad. He won’t stay unless Chad goes. JoJo thinks about it, and at the end of the night gives the group date rose to Evan, but tells him he has to accept it only if he’s cool with Chad staying. Obviously Evan accepts it like an eager puppy. Well played, JoJo.

Chad is furious that Evan got the group date rose, and straight up says to JoJo (in front of all the guys), “Is this a real scenario right now?? Are you actually vibing with this dude??” Chad clearly has no clue that personality plays a role in attraction. How dare a girl pick a guy with no six pack over him??

The fact that JoJo didn’t send him home right then and there is downright shocking. How many red flags of abuse does this guy need to throw at her before she realizes he’s a literal threat to everyone’s life, including hers? Makes me sad.

Daniel the Lambo tries to sit down with his best bud Chad the next day to tell him that he needs to be less like Hitler or Trump, and more like Mussolini or Bush. You know, “so that people don’t hate me as much for associating with you.” I think he was just telling Chad to turn things down a single notch, but then there’s the very real possibility that he has no idea who Mussolini or Bush are. Silly Canadians.

You should know that the whole time Daniel is talking to Chad, Chad is eating a sweet potato like it’s a chicken caesar wrap.

sweet potato

What the hell am I watching.

The second One-on-One Date goes to my fav, James Taylor!

Let’s kick it old school. Love, JoJo.

James Taylor is so stinkin’ adorable. He dresses up in ballroom dance shoes and suspenders, while JoJo wears a sexy 1950s dress. I’m loving the theme, but he loses the suspenders halfway through the date because they aren’t long enough to clip in the back. Get it together, interns.

They take a swing dancing class from an adorable old lady named June. It actually looks like a legitimately fun afternoon, which could have to do with the fact that James Taylor can become best friends with anyone, including June and the demo couple. Aaron and I took Argentine Tango classes together when we first met, so I start reminiscing a little too much and lean over on the couch to kiss him like a mush.

James is a terrible dancer, but that’s not the point. The point is having fun, which he’s very good at.

The interns redeem themselves by producing specialized newspapers, held by swing dancing children dressed as paper boys, that read “Extra Extra! James Taylor on His First One on One!”

extra

JoJo tells the camera that the night portion of the date will revolve around seeing if she can move James Taylor out of the friend zone. They sit on the back of a light blue convertible overlooking LA, and I think producers were trying to recreate an old school “makeout point.” James tells JoJo that he’s insecure about not being a typical “hot guy,” and I yell at him. No, James! Sharing your insecurities is not how you get a girl to like you!

Luckily, he pulls out his guitar just in time, and she swoons while he serenades her with an original song. Finally, he leans in for a kiss, and everyone I’m watching with starts clapping. Proud of you, James! We’re all rooting for you!

He gets the rose.

The next day, Chris Harrison shows up at the house to tell the guys that JoJo has cancelled the pre-Rose Ceremony cocktail party. Sad faces all around.

JK! Instead, she wants to have an all-day pool party with everyone!

Happy faces all around.

As Chris Harrison makes his way out of the mansion so that the guys can change into their poolside chubbies, Evan follows him and fills him in on Chad’s roid rage. Harrison is not new to this show, and tells Evan that heavy testosterone is to be expected when 20 guys are chasing after one woman. Evan assures Harrison that this is a more extreme scenario, so Chris pulls Chad aside to tell him to shape up and stop using steroids. He doesn’t kick Chad out, but he instructs him to go back in the house and apologize to everyone.

He’s literally such a Dad.

chris harrison talk

We hear Chad telling the cameras that “he will cut off all these guys’ arms and legs and throw their torsos into the pool” as he leaves Chris and walks back toward the house. I do not think he is a changed man.

….TO BE CONTINUED.

Sorry, this was a long one guys, but it’s hard to keep up with two different shows at the same time: The Bachelorette, and The Steroid Murderer.

Tonight, we’ll find out why teasers showed Evan with a bloody nose and James Taylor bleeding from the eyeball. If Chad is not the reason for all of this blood, I’m going to feel extremely betrayed and led on.

See you tomorrow morning for my THIRD recap of this week. Good God.