Just from the opening teasers for last night’s episode, which included Chad the Top Villain calling the other guys a bunch of Care Bears and JoJo kissing literally everyone, I knew we were in for quite a night.

For her opening contemplation, JoJo steps out onto the porch of a classic Southern Californian, Mexican-inspired condo, wearing a hot pink collared shirt that makes me wonder if they told her to be more conservative in her wardrobe choices. You know, less “hot girl” and more “wife material.” Literally– more wife material, as in, the material on your shirts. I’m led to believe that producers told her to wear more conservative tops because her fashion choices this season are super weird and untrendy, which goes to show that she’s never shopped for blouses with fronts before.

I still think she’s perfect and wonderful, though, for the record.

JoJo spends a full two minutes trying to convince us that she’ll be able to find someone even better than Ben in the room full of guys she met on the first night, but I highly doubt it. Also, I find it weird that she keeps repeating “I hope I can find what Ben and Lauren have.”

Cut to all of the guys sitting in the living room of the Bachelor Mansion, wearing distressed jeans and an array of baseball tees, all one size too small. Except Robby, whose button down is halfway undone, revealing as much chest as JoJo usually does.

This whole episode revolves around Chad the Top Villain, who– from what I’ve heard from a friend of a friend that knows Chad in real life– is truly a bigger d-bag than The Bachelor even shows. Apparently it’s not an act, folks. Anyway, Chad starts things off with a morning mimosa toast that goes something like this: “Cheers, and f*** you guys, I’m going to make JoJo my wife.” Nobody drinks, except for everyone watching at home.

chad villain

This week, there will be two Group Dates and one One on One Date. The first date card arrives, and Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!) reads it aloud to all the men:

Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy

Grant with The Chin

Will

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert

Daniel the Lambo

Vinny

Prince Ali with The Eyebrows

James F

Wells

Robby

Lets heat things up, <3 JoJo.

BOOM! CRASH! BANG!!

The guys run outside to the driveway in order to find where the explosion noises are coming from, and see JoJo’s limo on fire. They all just stand there, unwilling to char their fitted tees in order to save her. Chase thinks about going in for the rescue, but ultimately decides to hang with the other guys and watch the limo continue to explode in flames.

Around the corner finally comes a fire truck! Out pops…JoJo??? OH THANK GOD. In nothing but fire pants, suspenders, and a tiny white tank top, JoJo grabs the fire hose and proceeds to extinguish the giant flames emitting from the limo. As she expertly handles the phallic symbol hose with two hands, all the men look like they’re not having any problems with erectile dysfunction. No future clients for poor Evan.

jojo fire hose

The Group Date guys head off with JoJo, while the rest of the contestants go back into the house to continue day drinking. Next thing you know, Chad the Top Villain starts packing his suitcase full of protein tubs and steroid pills, then straps the whole thing to his waist and starts doing pull ups on the ceiling beams of the outdoor patio. Everybody in the house and at home watches in awkward horror, except for James S the Bachelor Superfan, who says “watching a man use a weight belt in such a revolutionary way is a gift from above.” Sarcastic, maybe, but likely not.

Over on the Group Date, JoJo brings the guys to a firefighter training course, where a fireman/instructor tells them that JoJo is looking for a husband who can save her in an emergency situation. They all don firefighter uniforms and must compete in a timed event that includes obstacles like dragging a hose, putting out a contained bonfire, using a sledgehammer to break down a door, and running fast while fighting a semi in their pants at the sight of JoJo in her very sexualized fantasy firefighter outfit.

Skinny Wells almost passes out, which the fire instructor takes very seriously, insisting that he lay down and drink water. This is the first time on a Group Date that health and safety has ever been a priority. JoJo talks to Wells as he recovers, which was undoubtedly an incredibly mortifying experience for him. No guy wants a hot girl around while he’s laying on his back and trying not to die because a fire suit was too heavy for him to run in.

THE BACHELORETTE - "Episode 1202" - Twenty anxious men look to get their love story with JoJo off to a good start. The the first group date give ten lucky bachelors a chance to see sparks fly when they head for a firefighting training facility, where one of the guys might need saving himself. JoJo and Derek get to pick their own adventure, and they choose a romantic picnic by the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco. Six bachelors get a dream date to ESPN's popular "SportsNation" with hosts Max Kellerman and Marcellus Wiley. They are sure they will be able to help JoJo find a perfect match, but Chad seems determined to "shock and awe" all the way up to the rose ceremony, on "The Bachelorette," MONDAY, MAY 30 (8:00-10:01 p.m. EDT), on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Rick Rowell) JOJO FLETCHER, WELLS

I thought the fire instructor was a decent guy, until he named the Top 3 contestants who he felt had what it takes to compete in the final challenge for JoJo’s heart:

Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy

Grant with The Chin

Skinny Wells

WELLS, you guys. You know, the one who just passed out? Yeah, him. Maybe the fire instructor thought he was being nice, but the kid was barely standing up straight again, and now he’s being asked to repeat all of the obstacles that made him pass out in the first place? Grim.

Grant with The Chin is a real life firefighter, so no one is surprised when he wins by getting to the top of the building first, where JoJo is waiting to be “rescued.” Luke gives him a run for his money, though, and I still think he’s a top contender, even though he has never smiled in his life.

Grant in his fireman uniform carries JoJo like a baby through the parking lot, where all the other guys are baking in their uniforms in various horizontal positions on the ground, looking defeated and dehydrated. A lone bonfire is still burning in the distance.

Back at the house, James Taylor helps the rest of the guys write a love song for JoJo, which they sing in unison in a circle by the pool with their shirts off. It’s simultaneously the gayest and manliest thing I’ve ever seen. Not going to lie…the song is pretty freakin’ catchy.

poolside singing

Chad hates all of them, hates their song, and hates vegetables. Meat, protein powder, and Daniel the Lambo are the only bearable things about this experience for him. The fact that Daniel the Lambo, who took off his clothes and jumped in the pool the first night, is the only person that gets along with Chad surprises me 0%.

During the night portion of the Group Date, all the guys arrive at a typical Bachelor courtyard area lined with candles and free booze. Grant’s prize for winning the fire challenge was to arrive early and have extra one-on-one time with JoJo, who was wearing a white mock turtleneck two-piece dress with peek-a-boo shoulders. I’d make fun of the attempt at being conservative with a turtleneck, except the whole getup was so tight that she might as well have been naked, so it was a win for everyone.

Important takeaways from the rest of the Group Date: Wells used humor to cover for his embarrassing collapse at the fire challenge. I like him. Evan revealed to JoJo that he has three children. I guess “Erectile Dysfunction Expert” means that he’s actually an expert in the medical…psychological?…field, not that he’s an expert from personal experience. Luke continued to be the most somber person I’ve ever seen, but his conversation with JoJo went well. I somehow didn’t entirely mind that he was wearing a long gold chain around his neck. JoJo kissed everyone except for Vinny and James F.

Group Date Rose goes to Wells. What a trooper.

The first One on One Date card arrives for….DEREK!

Derek=the one who might read this blog since he follows me on Insta + the one I called as the next Bachelor from his picture. So far, so good. As always, hi, Derek! Welcome back to Generation grannY. Happy to have you here.

His date card says, “Love is full of choices, <3 JoJo.”

JoJo and Derek’s date consists of a series of choices. When they pull out of the Bachelor Mansion driveway in a light blue T-bird convertible (I don’t know if it was a T-bird, but that’s the only name of an old car that I know), they see two signs in front of them. One says “Sky” with an arrow to the left, and the other says “Sea” with an arrow pointing right. In unison on the count of three, JoJo and Derek both say “sky.”

Fate! Compatibility! Communication! They chose the same thing!

Next, they pull up to the airport to find two planes flanking a red carpet. Weird, but okay. One pilot stands next to his plane with a sign that says “North,” and the other pilot holds “South.” They go North, and the South pilot is visibly offended.

San Fransisco!

“Golden Gate Bridge” or “Lombard Street”?

Golden Gate Bridge!!

Much to their disappointment, they didn’t get to climb the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead, they sit on a cement block near some water about a mile away from the Golden Gate Bridge, and drink champagne with the bridge in the distance. Funnnn…

derek date

That night, they “eat dinner” by a small body of water and tell each other how scary it is to fall in love, and agree that they are both ready to open their hearts agin. Groundbreaking conversation. She gives him the rose and they makeout next to a colorfully illuminated fountain. Duh.

Meanwhile, at the house, James Taylor and his backup singers teach the rest of the guys the JoJo Song, and they sing it in every room of the house while Chad broods around and tells the cameras that the other guys are idiots. He and Daniel the Lambo put on matching black wife beaters and giggle on the couch about how much they like each other because they’re the only “real men” in the house. None of it adds up.

Favorite quote of that conversation between Chad and Daniel: “If you were making a protein shake blended of the guys here, half of that dude protein shake would have no chance.” WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.

bro tank tops

Group Date Card #2:

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

Christian the Hot Nerd

Saint Nick B

James Taylor

Alex the Marine

Chad the Top Villain

I have “Do you love me in the nation? <3 JoJo” written down as the note on the date card, but I feel like I missed a word or two. Sorry, guys.

The names on the card get excited about being picked for the date (Chase, James S the Bachelor Superfan, and Brandon the Professional Hipster don’t get dates this week), which leads Chad to roll his eyes and say, “Why are you so excited? Have you never hung out with a pretty girl before? You don’t even know JoJo. Who cares?”

Chad, Chad, Chad. Dude, you’re on The Bachelorette. Being excited about dates with JoJo is literally the entire point of being here.

JoJo takes her second Group Date to an ESPN building, where the hosts from SportsNation have prepared a few sports-related challenges in which the guys will compete. Then, the hosts will rank the “players” like they do on SportsNation in order of who they think is the best fit for JoJo.

sportsnation

First challenge: Pretend a giant plastic rose is a football, and come up with an entertaining touchdown dance, just like NFL players do when they score. All the guys are totally willing to be silly and over-the-top in jest, except for Chad. No surprises there. Instead of doing a little dance, he just hugs JoJo and swings her around in a circle. That was not the assignment.

Next, they play that dizzy bat game where you have to put your head on a baseball bat and turn in a circle 10 times. Once they’re good and dizzy, the guys have to walk over to JoJo, get on one knee, and “propose.” They all fall over and it’s pretty funny. Their proposals range from cheesy to cheesier, but all in good fun. Except Chad, naturally. All he says is “Will you marry me?” to which JoJo jokingly responds, “Aren’t you going to tell me all the things you love about me?” and Chad goes, “I don’t even know you. You’re starting out pretty naggy!”

The fact that JoJo doesn’t kick him out right then boggles my mind, but then my brother and sister-in-law remind me that JoJo is known for liking “bad boys.” Ugh, yes, good, JoJo. Reinforce to women across the nation that it’s okay to be attracted to hyper-masculine guys who treat you like garbage so that you feel weak, and therefore attracted to their power.

The final challenge is for the guys to do a “press conference,” where they’re asked questions by the SportsNation hosts, like “Which guy in the house isn’t good for JoJo?”. This turns ugly, when all the guys unanimously name Chad. When Chad gets in the hot seat, he doesn’t choose a specific guy who isn’t good for JoJo, and instead goes with “every guy here, except for me.” Nobody is happy. Chad openly tells the guys that he thinks they’re ridiculous for liking JoJo without knowing her, then looks at JoJo and says, “I know you’re pretty and want a relationship, so that’s good. But that’s it so far.”

Listen, yes, honesty is great. And Chad was right in that these guys don’t know JoJo well enough to be in love with her, but they were all simply being good sports and focusing their energy on having fun during these campy dates, because– NEWS FLASH– that’s why you’re here.

I hated when JoJo and the SportsNation hosts commended Chad for “being real.” People who are rude or mean like to say that they’re just “being real.” No. You can be nice and easy-going and real at the same time, everyone.

God, I hate Chad.

Power ranking:

#3– Alex the Marine

#2– Chad (WHATTTTT)

#1– James Taylor

James Taylor is obviously Mr. Congeniality, because all the guys, including the SportsNation hosts, love him. JoJo likes popular people, so she’s happy with his win.

james taylor

Chad and the guys spend the rest of the night arguing, except when they’re talking to JoJo.

During his one-on-one time, James Taylor reads JoJo a letter he wrote to her, and it’s actually quite touching. It makes her cry, and they kiss, and it’s one of the first kisses of the season that doesn’t seem contrived. James Taylor may not have the abs, but he has the moves!

Chad’s one-on-one time consists of telling JoJo that his mom died six months earlier, and he inherited her little Yorkie puppy. Death and puppies. This is how guys like Chad reel girls like JoJo back in.

Group Date Rose goes to: James Taylor. Thank. God.

Finally, we reach the final Rose Ceremony Cocktail Hour. While the rest of the guys are in position to wait for JoJo’s grand entrance in the living room, Chad waits on the front steps for JoJo’s limo to pull up so that he can get some time with her before she even sees the rest of the guys. When they eventually walk into the living room together, all the guys silently lose their minds. (Until JoJo’s gone. Then they’re not so silent about it.)

Throughout the night, Chad steals JoJo in the middle of her conversations with other guys at least three times, all the while eating deli meat with his hands. I’m not kidding. You can tell that even JoJo is tired of his douchey, rude behavior by the end of it. Alex the Marine tries to confront him, and it doesn’t go well. Chad goes from laughing and saying “I don’t care what you think,” to all of a sudden snapping and giving Alex death threats. Husband material!

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony, and Chad lines up with the rest of the guys, this time stuffing his face with a roast beef sandwich. Somehow, eating food makes people far less likable on this show. Remember when they always showed Olivia the News Anchor eating last season? What does this say about our culture?

I’ll stop that tangent before it begins.

Here goes the Rose Ceremony:

Wells, Derek, and James Taylor already have roses. The rest go to:

Alex the Marine

[Chad tells the camera that JoJo is only keeping Alex around so that America doesn’t think she hates the military short people.]

Christian the Hot Nerd

Robby 

Luke the Skinny Jean Cowboy

Chase

Aaron Jordan Rodgers

Grant with The Chin

Prince Ali with The Eyebrows

Daniel the Lambo

James F

Saint Nick B (My husband pipes in and asks, “Is he related to Lauren B?” HAHAHAHA)

Vinny

Evan the Erectile Dysfunction Expert (and Former Pastor!)

Chad the Top Villain

We say goodbye to:

Will

James S the Bachelor Superfan

Brandon the Professional Hipster

Teasers for next week indicate we’ll be seeing more of the Chad Show! There are glimpses of him eating meat straight off a butter knife, walking by the pool with steroid veins bulging, and telling Evan he doesn’t deserve love because he has 3 kids. He’s starting to make all other Bachelor Franchise Villains look like teddy bears. The teaser ends with a shot of James Taylor bleeding all over the place. Did Chad punch him?? We’ll find out next week. See you then!