The following are real words that escaped my mouth last week:

“I always knew I’d be a good mom someday because of my devotion to my Giga Pet.”

digi pet

I feel an honest-to-God emotional reaction when I look at this picture.

It pains me to acknowledge this, but some of you might be too young…or too old…to know about the deep attachment and satisfaction of Giga Pets, a.k.a. Tamagotchis, Digi Pets, Nano Pets, etc. These special relationships were formed between children of the 90s and electronic animals that needed to be fed, walked, cuddled, and potty trained around a 24/7 clock.

If you weren’t born between 1986-1989, you missed out on this crucial invention that blurred the lines between responsibility and toy obsession. Even teachers and parents couldn’t be that mad if your digital dog needed to go on a walk in the middle of Earth Science class, because what other choice is there…let it die?? What would that be teaching our young people about commitment? In my home, my mother used my Giga Pet as reason for why I should start taking more responsibility for our family dog. Her efforts were admirable, but futile.

I haven’t taken Sex Ed in about 13 years, so who knows what goes on inside the classroom nowadays, but I really hope they use Giga Pets as a replacement for the egg assignment. They’d be a lot less messy, but still an excellent test to see who is capable of keeping a child alive for an entire week. Just a friendly suggestion in case any administrators or teachers happen to read this post.

Obviously I have no idea what it’s like to rear a human child because I don’t have one, but last week’s conversation with my husband about Giga Pets really got me thinking. No lie, I truly believe my obsession with those toys was a solid indicator that I have the instinctual urge to care for another being.

Let’s stop right here. This is NOT a pregnancy announcement. (Though, come to think of it, announcing a baby by use of a Giga Pet would be AWESOME. Storing that one away for a while…)

Okay, let’s continue.

From what my friends who have children tell me, no one actually knows what they’re doing when an alien pops out of their lady region. As a matter of fact, most of my parent friends say that they feel like they’re going to get arrested on the way home from the hospital with their newborn.

“HALT! What are you doing with that baby?? You are clearly not real or capable adults! Return that specimen immediately!”

One friend of mine said she legitimately asked the nurse, “So…we can just…take it?”

can we panic now gif

Now, I have no clue what my reaction will be after giving birth, but there’s no doubt in my mind that I’ll be equally excited and terrified. The terror will come from fear of breaking the baby, or that I won’t be able to push through the exhaustion like other moms do. My sleep needs are real.

New moms in my life say that instincts take over when you become a parent. You have no clue what will happen, but then all of a sudden, you’re killing the game. And by killing the game, I mean the baby keeps on surviving and you discover the beauty of dry shampoo.

They tell me not to worry about the lack of sleep or finding ways to keep the kid entertained, because apparently I’ll figure it all out pretty quickly. The more I think about it, the more I trust their words, and this is why:

A) My success with Giga Pets

B) I’m already constantly trying to figure out if I’m cranky because I’m tired or because I’m hungry, so that battle will be nothing new

C) I know what it feels like to get fussy when I need more attention, which is why I forced my husband to get off his computer for 30 minutes last night just to stare at me and scratch my head

D) My mom was an awesome mom

E) I’m obsessed with the idea of a little creature that is half me, half my husband

Basically, if caring for a baby is simply dealing with a smaller version of myself that I love 100x more than I love myself, and who has the qualities of a Giga Pet, then I’m golden.

In all seriousness, props to all the mums and pops out there. Raising kids to be vegetable-eaters, not jerks, and God-fearing Republicans decent citizens is no easy charge. Your patience, energy, and dedication truly astounds me. I look forward to joining your ranks someday, and can only hope to be a mom who instills in her child(ren) confidence, kindness, humility, and faith. I should also thank you for all of the warnings about extended car rides, explosive diarrhea, and the strength of babies’ gums before they start teething. In some ways, I’m glad to be going last in hopes that I can be as well-prepared as possible.

Here’s to the memory of Giga Pets for renewing my self-assurance about one day becoming a really good mom.