You know this is going to be a good episode, because the Bachelor Helicopter is back and ready for action.

It drops Ben off in Jamaica, a place that Ben– believe it or not– calls “the perfect place to fall in love.” There have been how many seasons of The Bachelor? 20? Plus 11 seasons of The Bachelorette? So 31 seasons total of this show, and they still can’t find a better line to describe each new location? They need to hire me as a script writer. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I’d be amazing. They wouldn’t even have to pay me.

During the opening monologue, editors cut to a clip of Ben walking through a fancy resort suite, where he stops next to the king size bed to feel the firmness of the mattress. It’s fantasy suite week, and there’s only one thing on his mind.

Then we are given a review of Ben’s relationship with each girl thus far, and it becomes even clearer that Lauren B is his favorite. His concern with Caila is her emotional capacity to love him, his concern with JoJo is her crazy family…wait, pause, I feel like we need to remember the glory of JoJo’s mom for a second:

jojos mom chugging

Never gets old.

Then there was Ben’s concerns with Lauren, and all he could come up with was “I think it’s too good to be true. She’s too good for me.” I’m not rooting for Lauren on a personal level, just for the record. I mean, I think she’s nice, but I’d rather be friends with JoJo because she’s so hilarious when fighting bats and other creepy crawlers during closing credit bloopers. Still, I pride myself on my realism, and realistically, Ben is going to choose Lauren B. JoJo will become the next Bachelorette. And I will have predicted that outcome from nothing more than seeing JoJo’s picture back before the show even began to air. My Bachelorette spidey sense is strong.

jojo bachelorette

Ben makes me very nervous as he scales the wall of what looks to be a stone temple in the middle of a Jamaican jungle in order to sit 25 feet above the ground to do his morning contemplation.

Meanwhile, the three remaining contestants don an array of silk robes as they drink coffee in their separate rooms and talk about how they’re certain Ben will become their husband(s).

The first fantasy suite date goes to Caila. At first I thought she was wearing a bikini top with jorts, but then I realized it wasn’t a bikini top, it was a shirt. Though I’m not sure there was enough fabric for it to technically be in the shirt category. Ben tells the camera his relationship with Caila is the deepest one of the bunch, which seems odd considering they can’t ever seem to hold a normal conversation.

They take a wooden raft down the murky river that is surely home to many snakes, gators, and the Zika virus, all while never saying a word. Caila tries to break the awkward silence by telling Ben how cute her hotel room in Jamaica is, but that topic doesn’t really get them anywhere. Finally, they stop at a random hut in the middle of the jungle river to drink something out of coconuts (my guess is they poured a bottle of champagne in there), and they still can’t find anything to talk about.

wooden raft bachelor

Everything about this raft ride was awkward, including Ben’s legs.

For the pre-overnight night portion of the date, Ben takes Caila to a couch on the beach surrounded by tiki torches. The producers even splurged on a portable fire pit for the occasion.

Ben calls Caila out for being weird and quiet all day, and she takes this as a sign that they’re soulmates because he can sense when she’s “off.” Caila, we could all sense that you were “off.” She tells Ben that she’s just nervous because for the first time this entire season, the fact that he’s dating other girls is getting to her. But don’t think I’m not a chill girl, Ben! I can handle this! Ignore what I just said about being apprehensive. Let’s definitely stay overnight together in the fantasy suite. Btw, I’m in love with you.

Like any healthy relationship, Ben just smiles blankly when Caila says “I love you,” and they choose not to talk about any of her apprehensive feelings. Instead, they make out in the ocean while fireworks erupt over their heads. All I can think about is how they’re in the ocean during shark feeding time.

They take the make out sesh back to the house, and Caila tells the camera that she can tell Ben wants to say “I love you” back, but he’s not allowed to. How is she so certain about this? Well, she can see it in his eyes. AND FEEL IT IN HIS BREATH. What. Does. That. Mean.

My husband could feel BBQ ribs in my breath the other morning. Is that kind of the same thing?

The camera crew leaves them alone in the bedroom just as Ben cops a feel, and next thing we know, it’s morning. We see Ben carefully pouring coffee into cups on a tray while they’re still in bed. Caila throws around “love you” like it’s nothing. Say it while you have the chance, sweetheart.

Next up: Lauren B.

I feel like Ben put these overnight dates with the women in order of who would be most pissed about sleeping with him right after he slept with another person. Night 1: Caila. Least likely to sleep with him, so no harm, no foul on the first night. Night 2: Lauren B. She’s chill and nothing ruffles her feathers, but he respects her the most, so he puts her after Caila because he knows he probably won’t sleep with Caila anyway. Night 3: JoJo. Not saying anything bad about JoJo, but she just strikes me as the one who would care the least about sharing a straw, if you know what I mean. I just threw up a little in my mouth as I typed that.

Lauren waddles up to meet Ben on the beach, and I can’t help wondering if she got a Brazilian wax that left her sore. Or maybe her jean shorts are just getting too tight after putting on some Bachelor weight. For whatever reason, she sure didn’t make walking look easy.

Their reunion is very different than Ben’s reunion with Caila. They can’t keep their hands off of each other and seem comfortable…a good sign for two people who might be engaged in less than two weeks time.

Ben and Lauren are greeted on the beach by Santa’s cousin Mel, who tells them that they’ll be helping him release baby turtles into the sea. Lauren has the same reaction any girl would, which is pure joy about playing with baby turtles.

They dig up the turtles, who hatched underground, then wash them in the sea before sending them off on their merry way into the open waters. Of course, this line was said: “Sea turtles live 100 years. I hope Ben and me last that long.” Way to really tie everything together. I wonder if she realizes that 90% of those baby turtles will die in the first few hours.

Someone found an exact replica of the magic carpet from Aladdin and laid it out on the beach for Lauren and Ben to use during their standard afternoon glass of champagne. Once again, I can’t help but compare this date to Caila’s, because Lauren and Ben actually have a real conversation about what it was like for him to meet her family the week before and how dating on reality television is a crazy experience. Way to use your words, everyone!

Naturally, they have to make out in the ocean before leaving, and the only thing that can distract me from the fact that Lauren has a surprisingly huge butt is the double rainbow in the sky behind them. Don’t know how the producers pulled that one off, but props.

For the night portion of the date, Lauren rocks a skin tight two piece coral dress that looks like something parents would complain about Barbie wearing. They get a way cooler night date than Caila, because instead of just sitting on a couch, they get to dance to a Jamaican band playing in the street. You know, make actual memories together.

Just as the fantasy suite invitation card appears on their “dinner” table (“dinner” because no one actually eats on this show except for Olivia), Ben tells the camera “There’s only one thing that Lauren and I need…”

“Sex!” I yell at the TV.

“Time,” Ben says.

Sure glad he kept it classier than the editing was leading us all to believe. Or was that just me? Was I the only one who thought he was going to say “sex”? Please tell me I wasn’t alone.

They head off to their suite, where Lauren tells Ben she’s in love with him. His reaction is completely different than when Caila said it. Lauren knows that Ben loves her, too, but not because she could feel it in his breath. No, because he actually told her. Ben throws all Bachelor rules out the window and tells Lauren he’s been in love with her for a while now. They can’t stop smiling and kissing, and I am swept away by Bachelor magic, fully convinced that they are the real deal.

lauren b fantasy suite

Ben closes the curtains, and that’s all we see until the next morning when Ben hollers, “Honey! I made breakfast!” as he puts a tray down on the bed, and the camera pans to Lauren’s coral dress on the ground. Then they go sit by the pool for a bit. Lauren says, “I really hope we have more mornings like this one,” and Ben responds with, “You know, I really do love you.” Just stop the show right now.

As Ben runs off to meet JoJo without time to even shower, he’s the first to admit that this format is a little weird.

“I know I just told Lauren I’m in love with her and we did the dirty all night, but I need to do the same thing with JoJo today. It’s best to ask for forgiveness once they watch this back, rather than ask permission right now when I have the chance to finally see JoJo’s humongous rack.”

I cannot confirm if that is an exact quote.

The Bachelor Heli takes Ben and JoJo to a cluster of waterfalls, where they climb to the top and jump into the gurgling water below. They definitely signed a waiver for this one.

jojo ben jamaica

After they escape the snake infested water, they sit on a rock, where JoJo tells Ben she’s in love with him. Ben pulls the #3 dumbest move by a Bachelor, and says “I love you, too, JoJo.”

[#1 dumbest move was when Jason Mesnick proposed to the wrong girl. #2 dumbest move was Juan Pablo agreeing to go on the show at all.]

JoJo’s reaction is nothing if not honest. Instead of being gaga over him saying it back like Lauren was, she goes “What??! Are you even allowed to say that??”

Way to really be in the moment, JoJo.

The rest of the conversation is JoJo telling him that now she feels really safe in their relationship, and Ben looking like he really regrets the “I love you” that just came out of his mouth. He’s not good at hiding his “What have I just done??” face.

My husband (who was forced to watch with me this week) says that JoJo is wrong, because no one is safe on this show, including him as a viewer. He pulls his shirt up over his eyes, and I ask him what he’s doing. He says, “This makes me personally feel safer right now so I don’t have to see Ben’s face as he realizes he just told two girls he loves them.”

At least I know my husband has a healthy fear of what would happen if he ever told another woman besides me that he loves her.

JoJo wears a flimsy maxi dress that barely contains her boobs for the night portion of the date. This makes Ben feel a little better about telling her he loves her this afternoon, but not much. They talk about her brothers berating him during her hometown date, and in the same breath, she tells Ben that she’d be absolutely devastated if she lost him. Code: My brothers will kill you if you send me home.

This time, my husband uses my new podcast headphones to cover his eyes. (Btw, I’m starting a podcast! Coming soon!)

Ben quickly changes the subject by reading the fantasy date card, and he and JoJo fly back to the resort to get into new, clean tiny bathing suits faster than you can say, “Ben is screwed.”

JoJo looks so sexy in her hot pink bikini that I tell my husband to put the headphones back on his eyes.

She straddles Ben in the hot tub until he forgets all his troubles. The next morning, they cuddle in bed as she tells him over and over how confident she feels in their relationship now. I actually think she’s convinced he’s already sent the other girls home. Ben goes back to looking terrified.

Someone really should’ve warned JoJo before she showed up at the rose ceremony and saw Lauren B standing there. But I’m jumping ahead.

By this point, it’s been a full 45 minutes of Ben telling the camera that he’s in love with two women. I am beginning to wonder if he’s forgotten that he has to send Caila home, who– by the way– also told you she loves you this week, Ben.

Not to fear! Producers have his back. They’ll be sure he doesn’t forget about Caila, because they put her in an SUV and drive her to Ben’s wing of the resort. She thinks she’s going to surprise him with an impromptu one-on-one date before the rose ceremony because “we’re just two people in love who want to spend time together!” Oh, sweet Caila.

His reaction to seeing Caila is literally to jump backwards and scream “What the heck??” as though he just saw an anaconda, or maybe Olivia. He really needs some acting lessons.

Ben takes Caila down to the bottom of some steps that lead to the ocean and gets right to the point. He has no energy left for beating around the bush. He tells her he’s in love with two women, and neither of them are her. Caila looks genuinely pained, and I feel really horrible for her. We’ve all had our hearts broken, and it’s terrible to watch the exact moment it happens to someone else.

caila break up

Hold it together. Hold it together. Hold it together.

Ben tells her that letting her go is the hardest thing he has to do on this show, and she quips, “That sounds like a line.” Ben wanted realness from Caila, and he’s certainly getting it. He then tries to smooth things over with “I’ll really miss you.” Her response: “You really don’t need to say that.”

I hope Ben knows that this is going 5,000 times better than it will whenever he dumps JoJo or Lauren next week.

Caila lets Ben hug her goodbye, which is the final straw that releases all of her tears. She gets in the SUV with the parting words, “I really did love you.”

And then there were two.

PSYCH!

Caila gets back out of the SUV and says, “You know what Ben? I might as well take advantage of this time to get some answers.”

He’s a sweet guy at heart, so he says “of course” and offers to go on a walk to answer any questions that will help give her closure. She begins to ask him if he had sex with the other girls, but then pulls herself together and says, “Nope, nevermind, I don’t think knowing that will make me feel any better.” Good girl.

Ben tells her that the other women also told him that they love him, and he said it back. Caila can’t bear anymore, so she gets in the SUV for real this time. She cries a lot and tells the camera that when she surprised him, she couldn’t feel the love in his breath anymore. There was only Crest and the lingering scent of JoJo’s perfume!

We finally make it to the rose ceremony, where Chris Harrison individually greets each girl like a priest during confessions. His face was priceless when Lauren told him that Ben said “I love you” back, right after JoJo had just told him the same story. You can practically see “Most Dramatic Season Ever” scroll across his eyeballs.

Once both girls are safely in their rose ceremony positions, JoJo breaks the silence by saying to Lauren, “It’s weird that there are 2 roses sitting over there right?” Like I said, JoJo thought the show was over when Ben said “I love you, too.”

Lauren is not so naive, and vaguely says “I guess, yeah…” to JoJo before telling the camera that Ben is probably in love with both of them. She’s so matter-of-fact that it’s almost scary.

Ben finally arrives to tell them that Caila already went home, then calls each girl to receive her rose. Then the three of them stand around and make awkward toasts about falling in love and meeting Ben’s family. Lauren and JoJo avoid eye contact because they’re now eskimo sisters.

rose ceremony

Even the camera men felt too awkward to get a shot that was in focus.

The teasers for next week can’t break up that horribly awkward post-rose ceremony scene fast enough. Women Tell All is next Monday! Will the girls stand by their hate of Olivia? Will Olivia bring snacks to eat on stage? Will Lace be too drunk to stand up? Will each twin respond to the other twin’s name, just to mess with Chris Harrison? Will Lauren the Kindergarten teacher make more sexual innuendos? The possibilities are endless.

Then, in two weeks, we get to see what happens when Ben dumps one of the girls he said “I love you” to. Thank goodness we have two full weeks to prepare for that, because the thought of it makes me incredibly anxious.

Still calling Lauren B for the win and JoJo as next Bachelorette. We’ll find out soon if I’m correct!