Yesterday morning, content for this blog fell straight into my lap. I took this as a sign– a very serious sign– that I need to address the role of wine in the lives of Generation grannYs. (Don’t know if you’re a Generation grannY? Read up HERE.)

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People often share with me articles and memes revolving around wine. I take this as a compliment, and as an indication that I’ve done a superb job painting a really accurate picture of who I am on social media.

Most recently, a great friend of mine who happens to look like this…

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…posted an article on my timeline about the fact that millennials (a.k.a. Generation Y a.k.a. Generation grannYs) drank nearly half of the wine in the entire United States last year. Well done, my friends!

Raise your hand if this finding surprises you at all.

Also raise your hand if you think Allyn Rose is the most beautiful model in the world, and/or have seen her face on ads in your local mall.

Anyway, the article Allyn shared on my Facebook wall referenced a study that reported these additional discoveries (from 2015):

  • American millennials (79 million people ages 21-38) drank 159.6 million cases of wine in 2015—an average of two cases per person
    • I can confidently say that I helped raise that average
  • Millennials made up 30% of people who drank wine several times per week, or “high frequency drinkers”
    • Baby Boomers made up 38% of high frequency drinkers, which makes me really proud of my parents’ generation, and gives us all something to look forward to
  • High frequency millennials drank 3.1 glasses of wine per sitting
    • This was more than any other generation…sorry not sorry
  • 2/3rds of high frequency millennials under the age of 30 were women
    • Duh
  • 17% of millennials paid $20+ for a bottle of wine in the past month
    • Here we find the one piece of data to which I cannot relate
  • Millennials are less likely than Baby Boomers to buy California-based wine
    • Because we’re too hipster for Napa
  • Over 50% of millennials mention their wine habits on Facebook
    • Or make it a focal point of their blog

Had I ever decided to use my psychology degree, this is definitely the kind of study I would have conducted.

While data and numbers are really fun, the article did not broach the subject of WHY. Why do millennials have such a special relationship with wine? How did it become such an important part of our daily lives?

Here’s my theory: Blame it on modern dating and relationship trends.

Dating in our day-and-age is horrible. It really is. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Guys don’t ask girls on official dates anymore because formality isn’t “chill.” Everyone is trying to play some stupid game through text messaging, which in itself takes any effort and investment out of the equation. No one wants to seem desperate, yet everyone is more desperate than ever. The whole ordeal is incredibly frustrating, confusing, and simply the worst.

When I was immersed in the dating pool, I wanted to punch Love in the face on many occasions. Do you know what I did during those moments of exasperation? I drank wine.

What did my girlfriends and I do during hours of complaining to one other about the density of the male brain? We drank wine.

What was the activity of choice while stalking potential suitors on Facebook? A glass of wine.

What made me feel better after being rejected by a guy? Lots of wine.

How did I keep busy on Friday nights when I didn’t feel like socializing, but didn’t have anyone to stay in with? Drinking wine.

The answer was wine. Always wine.

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Our generation is getting married later than ever. Women are focusing on their careers more than ever. And single men are more immature than ever. (Sorry, but it’s true. If you’re a male who is reading this, don’t get mad at me. Just do something about it.) Since we’re getting older and older without settling down, fireball shots are becoming less of a “single life” staple, while consumption of “fancier” alcohol is increasing. Wine is how classy people get drunk, so no wonder wine trumps liquor as the beverage of choice for aging singles.

Singles past the quarter-life mark have also probably upped their intake from a few glasses a night to an entire bottle, because that loud ticking of the biological clock needs to be drowned out somehow. I don’t think I’m being too offensive here. Rumor has it that some women get jazzed about staying single forever, but I’ve never actually met one of those unicorns. I’m not saying that being single past 30ish means you’re unhappy or pathetic– it just means that you’re probably a little more dependent on wine. Olivia Pope is the perfect example. Fierce and successful? Yep. Pathetic? Absolutely not. Single? Very. Dependent on wine? Extremely.

Sometimes I forget that Olivia Pope is a character on a T.V. show and not a real person.

People are also having kids later in life, so even if millennials eventually get married in their 30s, they’re in no rush to make babies. They just want to practice for awhile. It makes sense that thirty-somethings– including the ones with a ball and chain– helped shape those stats, because their responsibilities don’t extend beyond work. Wine nights galore! The 17% of millennials who bought a $20+ bottle of wine in the last month must be married people in their 30s, too. Because me and my twenty-something friends, or people who have to pay for diapers, definitely don’t do that kind of frivolous shopping. That’s for sure.

Come to think of it, millennials with kids probably drink even more cheap wine than the rest of us. For survival.

Maybe my theory about why millennials drink so much wine isn’t perfect, but do you have a better one? And don’t go saying that our generation is more sophisticated than our parents’, or that we host a lot of dinner parties. Totally false. If anything, we’re way less mature than young adults in the past, because most millennials I know spend a lot of time looking at funny cat videos and use dating apps to play Hot or Not. *coughtTINDERcough* Plus dinner parties don’t fit inside of our tiny apartments. Unless you’re super rich by your 30s, in which case you probably don’t have many friends to invite to fancy dinner parties, anyway, because you’re a workaholic.

Everything I wrote in this post is kind of dramatic, but mostly true. And there’s only one solution:

Have another glass of wine.

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Cheers!

 

P.S.– Wine makes you skinny. SCIENCE.

P.S.S.– How perfect is the fact that today happens to be National Drink Wine Day? I didn’t even plan that.