Fall is the most basic season. Pumpkin spice lattes: check. Leggings: check. Flowy infinity scarves: check. Hunter boots: check. At this very moment, our nation’s average white basic girls (PG version) are transitioning out of the third stage of summer [click here to read the 3 stages of summer] and into their nightly routines of red wine, Scandal, and last ditch efforts on Tinder to find a boyfriend before everyone goes into hibernation during the winter months. [Side note: I’ve never been on Tinder, but I can’t help but equate it to that game “Dream Phone” from the late 90s. Same thing, right?] Autumn is too basic to have its own stages, but it certainly comes with a few realizations. While cozied up in oversized sweaters and gazing at the golden hues of oak trees, basic girls come to these three conclusions:
1. Jeans are actually worse than shorts
I don’t know why people focus on fitness in the summertime. Sure, you don only nine square inches of material at the beach, but after the first few sandy frolics, most of us find that the joyous freedom of being nearly naked far outweighs the fear of a little jiggle in our wiggle. Stuffing our happy, free, and recently-tanned jiggle into a pair of tight jeans brings our newly obtained hippy spirits crashing back down to reality. Maybe all of that summertime potato salad and beer wasn’t the wisest choice. While most people hit the gym in January (resolutions, duh!) and May (beach weather!), I glue myself to the elliptical in September. Thank the Lord for cyclical fashion trends, because the 80s legging craze provides a much needed buffer between free-flying limbs and sausage cases skinny jeans.
2. Having friends means watching football
Plenty of ladies enjoy watching football. I get it. However, a large crop of basic girls enjoy football only to the extent that it allows them to show off their homemade buffalo chicken dip, cute jerseys, and ability to hang with the guys. As a girl who can’t cook, owns only a hand-me-down Jim Kelly jersey from my stepmom (go Bills!), and far prefers to hang out with my girlfriends over dirtysweatystinky boys, I can’t even pretend to be basic in this arena (no pun intended). Still, I recognize that the only way to keep any sort of social life afloat during fall is to grab a LIGHT beer (see #1) and casually shake my head in a forlorn manner when someone mentions having drafted Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson on their fantasy teams. Thank you, The Skimm, for sending me emails every morning that allow me to function in society when I would otherwise be labeled clueless.
3. College is the best
Most girls learn their basic behavior in college. Messy buns, leggings, Uggs, and Starbucks compose the uniform of the average university coed. The basic uniform gets a slight upgrade in post-college life as we wait until at least November to throw on the Uggs and usually do our hair in the mornings so that we don’t have to partake in an embarrassing talk with the HR department, but the foundation is definitely set in college. The link between fall and college transcends merely fashion, however. Each autumn serves as an unwelcome reminder that we will never again get a three month break from responsibilities each summer or live on a campus with all of our friends and endless food at our fingertips. As my college years fade further and further into the distance, I find myself fondly chuckling at those sweet young spirits returning to school and wearing face paint at football games on the TV (full circle) who have no idea how good they have it. And then I realize that I’m 26, not 76, and need to get a hold of myself.
That’s all, y’all, and happy first day of fall! #rhymingisfun