If you don’t know who Andi Dorfman is, you may return to your Facebook news feed at this time.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette is an entertaining show. I’m clearly preaching to the choir since I just told all non-fans to go away. It’s just us now. Bachelor Nation. We’re in a safe place, surrounded by our fellow viewers who cringe when they hear the words “it’s okay” (Juan Pablo), “winning” (Courtney from Ben’s season), or “sparkle” (Tierra from Sean’s season). I actually used to follow Tierra’s Eyebrow on Twitter. Yep, it has its own Twitter feed. How uncomfortable am I admitting that on a scale of 1 to the Jamie Otis kiss? Only about a 4. I know I’m with friends here.

tierra1

That eyebrow is definitely unnerving.

Some seasons are cast with so many wackos that we start losing faith in the reality of this T.V. show (coughBenFlajnikSeasoncough). Then a Sean Lowe rolls around, making us all believe the magic, once again. And by magic, I mean the possibility that someone can actually end up in a functional relationship with someone who was making out with other people up until the night before he/she got engaged.

This season on The Bachelorette [insert Chris Harrison voice], Andi Dorfman is a 27-year-old lawyer who is down to her final two suitors- Nick (boo, hiss) and Josh (woohoo!). Her journey to find love started out a little slow for my taste, mostly due to the fact that it looks like producers have finally run out of a stash of hot, eligible guys. Where is the Arie Luyendyk hottie? Where is the puppy-eyed J.P. Rosenbaum? Am I watching the right show? Because I’m pretty sure I could find any of these guys posted up at my local bar on any given Saturday night [**7/30/14 EDIT: I officially DID run into one of the contestants at a bar last Saturday night (what are the odds)- I must say, I revoke my statement that they aren’t hot and eligible- because he was definitely both of those things].

Obviously, that did not stop me from watching, but my unimpressed face was glued on tight for the first five episodes. Things only started getting really interesting this season once Brian got angsty because Andi forced him to help her cook dinner. If that’s not reality, I don’t know what is. I also liked the part when the guys took the lie detector test and all thought one of the questions was “Have you ever farted in public?” NO, the facilitator just had an Italian accent when he said “Have you ever fought in public?” Classic. It’s worth watching (below).

 

But let’s get down to the important matter at hand. Who should Andi choose??

First of all, let me say that Andi’s loss is our gain if her most recent rejection, Farmer Chris, becomes the next Bachelor. Anyone else fall in love with him on his hometown date? I want to spend my days riding around on his big green tractor and my nights playing Ghost in the Graveyard with his family. Not to mention, I’d be totally fine living in his gorgeous house, napping on his plough-pulling biceps (I know he doesn’t actually pull the plough, but he could), and drinking wine with his awesome mom. Good job, Farmer Chris- you have officially put Iowa on the map.

After I finish putting together my audition tape in hopes that I’ll get to date Farmer Chris next season, I look forward to seeing if Andi chooses Normal Job Nick or [former] Pro Baseballer Josh. For short, we’ll call them NJN and PBJ (not to be confused with Peanut Butter & Jelly, though both Josh and the latter make me salivate in a good way). Or we’ll just stick with Nick and Josh.

Nick probably doesn’t deserve to be hated as much as he is, but I love hating him anyway. I don’t hate him for the reason the other contestants did, though. I just don’t like the fact that he clearly thinks he’s hotter than he is, plus acts all bashful around Andi in the least masculine way possible. Also, have you noticed the Neville Longbottom resemblance? No?

Josh is cool, I guess. He kind of talks like he grew up in the Bronx even though he’s from an uber wealthy Floridian family, but we can look past that since he has great teeth and owns a really cute dog named Sabel.

If I’m being honest, I’m not convinced either of the final two contenders will end up at the alter with Andi. I’m sure one (or both, if she doesn’t get to the point fast enough during the final rose) will propose on the season finale, but will we see another Trista and Ryan success story? My instincts say no. Andi is a firecracker. To be honest, she scares me a little. I want to be her best friend, but I also get the sense that the girl could cut you with words if you make her angry.

Josh seems like a stubborn guy, so I think he and Andi would end up fighting all of the time. Nick is just too different from Andi, so I think she’d eventually get bored and annoyed by him. He will probably end up dating someone from a different Bachelor season that he meets at an industry party, while Josh will probably fall in love with a Kansas City Chiefs cheerleader (his little brother just got drafted by the Chiefs). You can quote me on this in two years.

As another season of The Bachelor/Bachelorette comes to a close, let us raise a toast this little jingle I just made up:

To all the contestants throughout the season

Who proved they were here for the right reason

May your families be proud when they watch the show

And your 15 minutes of fame help your businesses grow!

[This toast was inspired by Chris Bukowski from Emily’s season, who used his momentum from The Bachelorette to open Bracket Room, the bar at which I found myself last Saturday night.]